by Ryan Meehan
Billy Mays was an asshole. I can’t think of a more miserable way to spend my life than encouraging others to purchase anything that slowly eats away at their soul. But the yellow brick road of domestic consumerism is littered with cheeseburger wrappers from your local Sonic, because this month if you buy three you get one free.
1. Home Phone Service
I’ve been getting a metric shit ton of phone calls from the company that I purchase my internet service from about starting up a landline service. I work for a cell phone company, and currently already carry two active cell phones. Why I would need a landline is so far beyond me. The point that’s missed here is the fact that no matter how cheap they make landline service if it’s more expensive than free it’s a waste of money. And nevermind the fact that if I did get a landline, I would actually have to go out and purchase a land phone and the kid behind the counter at Walgreens that will die never having had sex will laugh in my face when I do it.
What I really don’t like about this is it’s simply another way for people I would never want to talk to me to get me on the horn. Anybody that didn’t want to kill me would just call me on my cell. And if somebody did call the home phone, it’d probably be the goddamned cable company asking me if I wanted to add another line.
And what do these people imagine is actually going to happen when they call us asking to start service? Are we going to act like it’s the best news we ever heard? “I thought you guys were never going to call…can you have someone out here to hook that up this week? Better yet, can you just send a crew out my way and have them just take turns punching me in the dick?”
2. Any Domino’s Pizza or Little Caesars promotion
Here’s another one where it doesn’t matter how cheap it is: I am not impressed that Domino’s can offer me five dollar pizzas. Domino’s pizzas are realistically only worth a couple of dollars anyway. If anything, I think that Domino’s should be honored if anybody at all is eating their pizza even if all of them stole it. I can conjure up only one situation where it would be acceptable to eat Little Caesar’s:
“Hey Ryan, everybody in the kitchen had a stroke at the same time so we’re going to order up some crazy bread. DerrrreeeehhhhEwwwwehhheeeeee…(indistinguishable)”
And even then, I’d still have some questions: For example, if everybody all had a stroke, why wouldn’t we be calling 911 instead of ordering hot cardboard from a place whose spokesperson speaks with a tick where he repeats everything and dresses like Fred Flinstone would if he was on the sex offender registry? And isn’t there anything else open this late?
For the record, I worked at Domino’s for over a year and it was a horrifying experience. You have to spend money to make money and Domino’s spares every single expense that they can locate. Especially if you need dental coverage.
3. Cash advances/payday loans
Every heroin dealer in America shit their pants laughing when these payday loan places started popping up: Imagine this for an idea: Somebody gives you money as a loan, and then the very next week you have to go in there and give them 125% of it back. Sounds great right? I mean, you’re not paying enough for gas already anyway, and you’ll never dig yourself out of the hole you’re in from your student loans, so why not fork over an extra quarter of your paycheck to some guy you’ve never even met who likely has an assault rifle under the counter?
This also applies for all of these title loan places, too. “Hey, we’ll loan you money…if you sign over the ownership right to your car” That’s fucking insane. And for all of these people who ARE using payday loans responsibly, you’re only making it harder on yourself in the long run. This idea was fine with pawn shops: If you had something of value, they would loan you the collateral for that value. Now, you just give them your signature which in any other market has no value whatsoever. If you do really believe that your signature is worth something then the next time your electric bill comes send them your autograph and then sit around and wait for your fridge to stop working.
4. All you can eat pancakes or any other one food by itself
If variety is the spice of life, America is flatlining. I can’t tell you how dumb I think it is that you would pay a set amount of money to eat just one kind of food, but I’ll give it a shot. This is everywhere: All you can eat wings, all you can eat pancakes, yet I haven’t seen one all you can eat fruit buffet. You’d think we just found out that Hitler invented citric acid. Why would you pay to eat just one kind of food for a meal? Not only is it incredibly unhealthy, it doesn’t work for the restaurant on macroeconomic level at all. Sure, they get you in the restaurant in the first place, but I guarantee you every Starbucks frequenting fatty that waddles out of IHOP after that all you can-eat pancakes thing swears on their life they’ll never eat pancakes again. But, I suppose they do eventually go back after a while, usually to visit with relatives to share stories about someone in their family who just died of heart failure from eating at IHOP too much.
This one goes for the rib buffets too. We’re not fucking vikings for crying out loud. I actually like it when I can use a fork and a knife to cut my food and my limbs aren’t soaked in vegetable oil. But that’s just me. Eating ribs is not nearly as cool as the people who are eating ribs think it is.
5. All of these free credit report websites
Only in the United States would we come up with a website where you could check your credit rating, but had to sign up for something that could ironically destroy your credit. “Offer applies with enrollment in triple advantage” That’s bold as hell…”Hey we’re not only going to screw you, we’re going to screw you three times and we’re going to make it known that we’re doing so…” This is the type of thing that makes me wonder if our culture doesn’t have some kind of weird punishment fetish. It’s disturbing.
And while I’m bitching about this, can’t you stroll into any shady car dealership downtown and have them run your credit? You don’t even have to be buying a car, just go in and see what your credit is and get the hell out of there. And when that slimy bastard asks you where you’re going, tell him he needs to go back to school and get more training. What do you care you’ll never see him again…
Same goes for the bank: If you think that your local Wells Fargo doesn’t have rooms full of jackoffs that would love to run your credit report, your social anxiety disorder has officially reached its breaking point. Go for a walk or something.
Until next time, save your money…
Meehan
Eastendphiladelphia 
1) The only people left who get landline phones are either over 60 or under house arrest.
2) Congratulations that you’ve outgrown five-dollar pizza. Trouble is we leave in a cheap-beer country, and nothing washes down cheap pizza like an Anheuser-Busch product. Check out the dumpster at any apartment complex on a Monday morning; you’ll see a lot of Budweiser and Domino’s boxes.
3) Amen. A dirty little secret in this country – most “poor” people are poor for a reason, and this is a prime example.
4) I used to work in the medical device industry, and I can tell you first-hand we have a serious issue with obesity in this country. When you see the size of some these beds we are building to hold half-ton people, the only thing that will astound you more is how many of them we are filling.
5) Before the medical device gig, I built software for institutional lenders, like car dealers and banks, which means I know credit scores are a complete scam. First of all, nobody in vehicle financing turns down sales based on a credit score. They use that to force a sucker into making a larger down payment. They lure you in with “0% sign-and-drive financing,” then tell you your credit score doesn’t qualify you for that deal unless you put down $5,000. Not to mention that if you are relying solely on your credit scores, you are telling the whole world you don’t have any fucking money in the first place!