TEN THINGS WE HATE ABOUT SPORTS

by Ryan Meehan and Jonathan Werner

There’s many things wrong in the world, which is why some of the things that should be right can offer temporary solace from those that aren’t. This is exactly why we here at First Order Historians are teaming up with J-Dub from Dubsism to offer a treatise on what needs to be fixed in the world of sports and the way it is being broadcast.

Make no mistake, we are in no way pretending we wouldn’t fuck up a lot of stuff too, but at least we’d be able to eliminate some of the really egregious shit which is happening now.

 
1. Spelling Bees

I can’t decide which is more disturbing, those little kid pageants where we sexualize nine-year olds or the thought process behind this. First of all, did you notice the winners are never American kids anymore? I don’t really need ESPN to remind me that our public schools have become little more than idiot factories because American parents have let them do so. The foreign parents still do things like (gasp) spend quality time with their kids so that they don’t grow up to be some vapor-brained sideline reporter (see #2).

Worse yet, take a close look at the concept…”OK, little (insert unpronounceable foreign kid name here), you are our best and brightest, so let’s put you in a contest where we can magnify the insignificance of not being able to spell a word nobody ever heard of into a pressure-packed nationally televised failure festival guaranteed to emotionally scar you for life.” Every kid (with the sole exception of the winner) in this intellectual “Bataan Death March” gets to have the greatest failure in his life up until that point happen on live television.

Don’t be surprised when the local police finds one of these with a freezer full of girl scout parts later on in life, because it will be our doing for making him spell “dismemberment” on national TV before he turned eight. 
  
2.  In game interviews with players and/or coaches
 
This shit has to stop.  Stop and think for a minute what an utterly fucking ridiculous concept this is. Imagine if we did this in other areas; take war for example.

ANNOYING SIDELINE REPORTER: “Excuse me General, but do you have any thoughts on why this surprise invasion isn’t going according to your plan?”

GENERAL: “Maybe because someone keeps telling the goddamned enemy our every move…until now (pulls pistol and shoots reporter in the face.)”

Since when does anybody think it is a good idea for sideline reporters to become purveyors of espionage? Does anybody think any coach or manager with any fucking brains is going say anything at all useful to the opposing team? That’s why I keep waiting for one of these stupid exchanges to go something like this:

ANNOYING SIDELINE REPORTER: “What are you guys going to do differently in the second quarter to prevent their smothering defense?” 

COACH: “Well, what we are going to do is make some serious adjustments, but if you think I’m going to tell you what those are so you can waltz your soon-to-be-sagging ass over to the other bench and tell those cocksuckers, you’re out of your fucking mind. (pulls pistol and shoots reporter in the face.)”

Well, maybe not the pistol thing, but you get the idea.

  
3.  Televised Poker

This has to be the only “sport” in the world where the announcers are way more excited about the competition than the competitors are.  They scream and yell constantly, which is crazy because they aren’t the ones who have hundreds of thousands of dollars at stake.  and as for the players themselves, they don’t even seem to care.  And if they don’t even care, then what’s with all of the sixty thousand dollar cameras recording everything like it’s the Super Bowl?  Another thing that pisses me off is they call it the “World Series” of poker which is a complete ripoff.  You’d think Major League Baseball would have had that trademarked, but if they didn’t I wouldn’t be shocked.  (Insert joke about Bud Selig dying here)
 
That being said, any competition where you can show up wasted in sunglasses is likely fixed.  It might not be, but the odds that it could be are very high.  And for everyone who is gambling on this, you are wagering on how “semi-pros” are gambling, which is a recipe for a mess.  Gambling on other people gambling is like letting somebody take advantage of you sexually while you’re in therapy for being molested in the first place. 

Worse yet, thanks to televised poker, every shithead in America with two cards in front of him thinks poker couldn’t exist without his vast knowledge of it. First of all, Texas Hold ’em is the “skim milk” version of poker. Pretending to be an “expert” at this game is like pretending to be a gastroenterologist because you guessed what color your morning turd would be. Not to mention, thinking you can beat guys who play poker all the time because A) you can beat your buddies from work and B) you watch TV is just taking the express train to Empty Wallet City. Just you because you punched a drunk in a bar once doesn’t mean you could take on an MMA fighter and not get your balls handed to you. Not to mention, betting gets a lot tougher when the guy on TV isn’t telling you which cards everybody is holding.
 
4.  Outside The Lines
 

Everyday for a half hour in the afternoon, my ESPN turns into absolute dogshit.  (I mean, moreso than it already is…) For those of you who aren’t aware, Outside the Lines is a show where they do all of these in depth profiles on athletes and former athletes, and issues that are hot topics but not necessarily a part of the daily news feed.  If you want to check it out, it’s on Monday through Friday at 2PM Central.  Monday they’ll be discussing the issue of concussions in the NFL.  Then Tuedsday, they’ll have an ex-NFL player who suffered from a concussion talk about how he had no idea football was such a violent sport when he was drafted and handed millions of dollars to put on a helmet and run headfirst into other people wearing helmets.  Wednesday’s show will just be a video mix of the clips from Monday and Tuesday’s show.  Thursday brings yet another tearful interview with Garret Webster about the tragic death of his father, and then on Friday Bob Ley will just show up in a diaper high as shit on painkillers and piss himself until they cut to commercial.
 
Of course, this is a bit of an exaggeration.  And for the record I’m not unsympathetic towards players who have suffered from concussions, I’m just using this as an example to show how the producers of this show just recycle the same seven topics over and over again.  How many times can they discuss the rampant corruption in college athletics that we all know goes on anyway?  How about another show dedicated to Title Nine?  Or perhaps the subject of hazing that takes place on high school football teams?  We can never talk about teabagging enough can we?
5.  Danica Patrick
 
Hating Danica Patrick is easy. It has nothing to do with the fact that she’s finished a lot of races in the top ten in the Indy car series.  It has nothing to do with the fact that the talk about her switching to NASCAR full time from IndyCar has taken up way too much of the sports broadcasting landscape. It doesn’t even have anything to do with the fact that as a “hot babe,” she is monstrously over-rated. Sure, she’s good looking, but if you went into one of the good bars near a big college campus on a Saturday night, you will find at least 20 chicks you’d rather fuck than her. Danica is only “hot” because any chick is going to look better when you surround her with nothing but fat, sweaty, 50-year old guys.

The real reason to hate Danica Partick can be summed in one web address: Godaddy.com. The miserable ass-loafs that run that company subjected all of us to one of the worst advertising campaigns in American history. Somehow, they thought that giving teenage boys across the nation a crippling case of blueballs was a perfect approach for marketing a company that sells domain name hosting and web programming.

It’s an approach I like to call “Cinemax goes to Pre-school.” It’s a classic bait-and-switch deal that works like this: They hook you with a television commercial featuring Danica or any number of other perfectly fuckable bimbos which brings “suggestive” to the “trouser button popping” level, then they tell you to go to their website to view “unrated content” (wink, nudge). Just about the time you are looking for a tube sock in which to fire some knuckle children, you realize you would find better wacking material on Barney the Dinosaur’s website.  Don’t pump up the tires if you ain’t gonna drive the car, Danica. 
 

(Editor’s Note:  During the completion of this article, Barney the Dinosaur was killed in a less-than-tragic bus accident.  He will not be missed…) 
6.  The NFL Lockout
 
Since the NFL is my favorite sport, it’s hard for me to not put this one on the list.  A lot of people say that sports is just a game, and that’s true, but trust me:  When you get up the first Sunday in September and you realize that there’s no Sunday NFL Countdown, no pregame shows, and FOX is showing the television edit of “Scarface” for the eight thousandth time, you’ll want to gut your eardrums with a tomato corer WAY before you hear Sosa say “YOU (freaked) ME!!!  YOU (freaking) LITTLE MONKEY!!!”  I’m not sure how many people realize how serious this really is just yet. 
 
That being said, the NFL lockout hinges on the millionairres versus billionares argument, which is silly because Coors has signed a contract for the next 5 years making them the official beer sponsor of the NFL.   So, basically, it’s up to Pete Coors and when all is said and done both sides are fighting about how much money they will make, they have to be able to get both sides of the argument on the table and admit they can’t figure it out.  I’m sure both sides will argue that there’s too much money to be lost if they cancel the season, but as long as they both argue that said money is theirs we’re not going anywhere.   Fucking bullshit. 
 
7.  Less Reporting on the Economics of Sports

The current primary example is this whole “Mets/Dodgers” saga. Who the fuck cares…honestly, does anybody care about management fighting with each other about shit that everyday sports fans don’t understand?  All I know about the Mets is that Bernie Maddoff’s name has been mentioned a lot lately in that circle, and that can’t be good.  Fine with me, the Mets are never going to be the most popular baseball team in NYC, so I say “good riddance”  The Mets will always be the second biggest baseball draw in that market. Fuck them.  Don’t care.  Let CNBC cover the financials.
 
At least with the Dodgers I can pray for an earthquake.  I heard a radio host describe it best:  It’s almost as if there’s this family of confused children that are the Los Angeles Dodgers and their parents got divorced, so uncle Bud has shown up to try and fix everything and it hasn’t worked.  And of course he couldn’t fix shit, because he’s Bud and is scared to make a major move.  Fuck the Dodgers too. 
 
8. Skip Bayless

If you’ve ever worked in a non-union business which reduced its workforce, then you know who are the first people to get laid-off or pushed into early retirement. The people who get clipped aren’t just the ones who don’t add any value, they are the also the loudmouth, pain-in-the-ass types who exist only piss off everybody around them. If Skip Bayless worked in a factory, his ass would have been shown the door long ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the power of saying controversial things for purposes of drawing attention; that’s the model upon which the entire media revolves. But there’s a big difference between controversial and simply being a contrarian ass-burger. Skip, we all know you hate LeBron James, and we all know this week is like Mardi Gras week for LeBron James’ haters, but your petulant “I told you so” festival is going to cause me to give you to a 5-gallon Napalm enema, then fire a flare gun down your throat.

Bonus helpful hint to everybody who is over sixty years of age:  We can tell when you’ve had plastic surgery done.  It’s really, really obvious.  If Skip Bayless were in the same room with Kathie Lee Gifford and you cracked both of their skulls together (And if you were in that situation, you’d better…) there would be enough embalming fluid on the floor to run a funeral home for half of a decade.  You guys aren’t fooling anyone.
9. More People Who Actually Know About Sports

This should be the biggest “no-brainer” on the list. If you are paid to talk about a particular sport, then perhaps you should know something about it.  I don’t mean that every baseball announcer should be able to name the starting line-up of the 1987 Minnesota Twins from memory, but they should be able to explain a simple concept like why you don’t fucking swing at a 3-0 pitch.

While we are at it, there is no exemption for ex-jocks in this department. Just because one played a game doesn’t exempt them from becoming a complete dead-skull once somebody puts a microphone in front of them.  (If you’ve ever seen any footage of Jerry Rice or Emmitt Smith’s TV work, I’m sure you know what we’re talking about.)

Oh, and one more thing…no more “Ken and Barbie” types either. I can get that on absolutely every other network. Sports channels should only be populated with people who can talk intelligently about sports. If I want a smoking hot blonde who is so obnoxious I want to shove my dick in her mouth solely because it will shut her stupid ass up, that’s why I have Fox News.

 
10. Sports Programming in General

This is for those networks who forgot they actually have the word “sports” in their titles. Half the time, you would be hard-pressed to guess that’s what the “S” stood for in “ESPN.” The point referenced in #4 on this list only scratches the surface of this problem., See while some neck-tied shitwad is wasting my time blathering about a problem we are never going to fix, this “sports” network could be showing me, oh maybe a FUCKING SPORTING EVENT! They are never called the “Uselessly Blabbing About Sports Networks,” they are called SPORTS NETWORKS!!!

Here’s some specific suggestions for starters:

• No more nine-hour marathons of the same taped episode of (insert sports news show here). There are entire networks dedicated to that, and they do it live.
• No more radio shows on television. Whoever thought of that idea should be tried as a war criminal. The sole exception is the Dan Patrick Show, and even that should just be turned into a television show.  (Editor’s note:  Anybody inChicagoor the Quad-Cities, this program is available on Comcast SportsNet Monday through Friday) 
• More actual sporting events – you can tape-delay the less popular ones for those dead time slots. People who really want to see them can set their DVRs. But at least they could see them, unlike now. But just show sports, period.
• Stop pretending sports are popular just because the network has an agreement to cover them…I’m looking at you, ESPN and WNBA…

• And last but not least, no more of the strongman competitions.  That shit is so ridiculous simply describing it in print seems fake, but here’s an example of how stupid this is:  Several years back, I was flipping channels and I ran across this guy screaming at the top of his lungs.  It wasn’t a shot of his whole body, just his face.  I said to myself “He has to be in the middle of a deadlift or something like that.”  Then they panned out to the whole shot and he was holding these huge axes up so that they were touching these metal bars on each side of him that were level with his head, and I almost died laughing.  What fucking practical purpose would this ever serve?  First off, the likely reason why we haven’t seen this lately is because there’s no way it could be safe, and I’d hate to be the one guy standing next to him that gets an ax dropped on his foot.  Second, as mentioned earlier, we don’t need another competition where we are reminded of how inferior Americans are.  We get it:  The Scandanavians can lift weights better than we can.  Additionally, if you are in a situation where you would be holding double edged axes, you probably won’t need to be worried about how long you can hold them above your man-tits, you’ll be throwing them at whoever invented the time machine that sent you back to the age where you would fight with such prehistoric weapons.  Neither the surviving members of Mayhem nor the programmers of the original Castlevania would find this even somewhat amusing.  And plus, this isn’t a major organized sport, and we already have major organized sport where a bunch of steroid goons compete for attention, it’s called baseball. 

Remember, not only are the bullet points just “for starters,” the same can be said for the entirety of this list. I get that there are a lot of improvements to be made, but Confucius once said “even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” If I don’t see a step toward a solution, my first step might be putting one of my size 12s so far up your collective sports network ass you will be flossing with my shoelaces.

Once again thanks for visiting East End Philadelphia and Dubsism to enjoy more of the internet’s finest in user generated content. 
 
Meehan & J-Dub

2011 NBA FINALS PREVIEW – DAS FUCKING BOOT

by Ryan Meehan

The NBA Finals are now set, and will begin Tuesday night at 8PM when the Dallas Mavericks take on the Miami Heat.  We’ve made no secret of our dislike for LeBron James on this website so it’s hard to come at this series with an unbiased take.  They both deserve to be here, but as you’ll see we tend to think that Dallas deserves it more than Miami does.

Sometimes you have to listen to the players that are actually on the court as opposed to the analysts who stand on the sidelines “breaking it down”.  Frequently the answers are found in the most unlikely places, and from some pretty unlikely sources.  The ultimate NBA Finals preview came from a soundbite from Bulls Center Joakim Noah after the Bulls lost game 5 in which they were eliminated by the Heat.

“They’re Hollywood as hell, but they’re very good.”

When he said that, I pretty much realized that the Miami Heat have no chance at winning the 2011 NBA Finals.  The Heat are hollywood as hell, those guys flop all of the time and every Heat game seems like it’s one great big pony show.

In a way, these two teams are exact replicas of the cities which they represent.  Miami, Florida is the Los Angeles of the East:  Flashy, irritating, and overrated.  Dallas is a very real American City:  Working class, polite, but if you go down the wrong street you’re toast.  (More episodes of COPS have been shot in Dallas – Fort Worth than any other city)  I think it’s fair to say that both of their basketball teams mirror their metro areas.

And once again, I would like to mention that I am probably not the best suited to break any of this down because I do hate the Heat so much.  It’s not even so much that I like the Mavericks, I don’t really.  But they are playing the basketball equivalent of Satan, so as you read some of this preview keep that in mind.

So let’s start with Miami.  You might remember the event held last July in which LeBron James took an hour of TV time to make a 15 second announcement about how he was “taking his talents to South Beach” and would be playing for the Miami Heat.  You might also remember a week later how he, Wade, and Bosh showed up for a pep rally where he said that he thought the Heat could win 7 rings.  I was very impressed by that quote at the time because I wasn’t aware someone could fit both of their feet in their mouth at the same time.  They struggled at a few points during the season, but were always able to crawl back to the top and ended up with the two seed when it was all said and done.

LeBron James
LeBron is a complete blowjag.  He’s an insane physical specimen, very talented, and has every right to the legions of fans who follow his work.  Just like I have every right to not give a shit.  I honestly wouldn’t have such a problem with this guy if he hadn’t orchestrated all of the aforementioned noise last summer.  I can’t stand how after he gets fouled and scores the basket for an And 1, he pounds his chest like he’s not being paid millions of dollars to do just that.  Honestly, there’s a million reasons why you should hate Lebron James and I don’t want this piece to take hours to read so I’m putting my foot down here.

Dwayne Wade
I really used to like Wade, but when the NBA basically handed him that championship the first time these teams played, I’ve always thought that his legacy will seem a bit rigged.  He’s a great player, but he’s not MVP-caliber anymore.  He gets a lot of favorable calls, probably the most since Michael Jordan.

Chris Bosh
Bosh to me used to also be likable, but the more I watch him play I can’t help but think that his statistics were disasterously inflated in Toronto because there wasn’t anybody else on that team to put up those numbers.  He’s had a good postseason this year, I’ll give him that.  At that position I can never help but bring up the fact that he’s probably too skinny.  I’m not saying he should gain a lot of weight, maybe just an extra ten pounds would make him more solid.

Udonis Haslem
Guy’s had a hell of a postseason, might be the best role player in the league.  I like Udonis Haslem regardless of his proximity to such undeserved talent.  Street baller extraordinairre.

Mike Bibby
Fuck Mike Bibby.  In addition to playing for the Heat AND being a complete tool, he’s also very unlikable:  Which is why Atlanta got rid of him in the first place.  Bibby has also played for the Vancouver Grizzlies and the Sacramento Kings as well.  I bet Justin Beiber and Clay Aiken drive by Bibby’s house every night to yell shit at him.  Non-factor.

____________________________________________________________

Now let’s look at Dallas.  Remember to get here the Dallas swept the defending championship Los Angeles Lakers.  Then they played a very tough series against an Oklahoma City team that simply made some very dumb mistakes down the stretch in key games.

Dirk Nowitzki
The man, period, end of report.  Dirk’s a complete monster and there’s very little that can be done to guard him.  There’s been a lot of people comparing Dirk to Larry Bird as of late and unlike some of these baseketbll purists, I don’t have a problem with it.  Plus, think about this for  minute:  Can you name ANY other 7’1″ player in NBA history that had that range?  I can’t.  There probably are a couple before our time but definitely none in the modern day era.  Dirk is the hardest working player in the NBA right now.

Jason Kidd
Kidd is a much different player than he was when he took the Nets to the Finals several years back.  He appears to be more focused, and have a different energy about him.  He’s thirty-eight years old, and in basketball years that means he should have died at some point last season.

Jason Terry
Here’s another guy who’s been waiting for a ring for quite some time.  Wade’s +/- is -19.0 when Terry is on the bench, versus 13.1 when Terry is on the court.  Dallas moves the ball well and Jason Terry’s a big reason for that.  He’s got an NBA Finals trophy tattooed on his arm so you know he wants it even more than some of these other guys.  He’s a serious threat from behind the arc.

Shaun Marion
If Dallas plays ten game sin a row, Marion will foul out of at least eight of them.  And he’ll walk to the bench smiling, because heknows he’s done his job.  Shaun’s a good, hard, body to have in there in the second half.

DeShawn Stevenson
Stevenson and Marion are probably going to end up guarding LeBron James, which is a job nobody really wants.

J.J. Barea
Could be any number of things in this series.  He could be an integral part to their offensive plan, or we could go the entire Finals without hearing much about him.

Mark Cuban
A lot of people hate on Mark Cuban and I’m not one of them.  Keep in mind, this franchise was trash when he purchased it.  This will be the second time he’s taking them to the Finals and they make the playoffs every year.  He has a genuine passion for the game, which is something I can’t really say about a singnifacnt amount of the other owners in professional sports.  He has no right to jump onto the court like he used to and every fine that he got for doing so he rightfully deserved, but it’s nice to see that fire from someone who is supposed to be a “suit”.

Analysis
So, if you’re Miami you should know not to foul Dirk by this point.  Of course, that makes things difficult because he does have such an amazing fadeaway, be it on two legs or just one.  Keep in mind every time you double him it’s going to mean there’s someone else wide open that’s usually going to have a pretty high percentage shot.  Don’t try to be flashy at all otherwise this will be a four game series for sure.  And as former NFL coach Bill Parcells used to say:  “Praying probably wouldn’t hurt either”

If you’re Dallas, you play physical ball for four straight quarters and hope that the referees call a fair game.  You stick to your guns, take smart shots and get Dirk the ball in the perimeter.  The rest of it should work itself out.  Don’t take plays off, don’t let them go on a run and if they do get on a run, call timeout before that shit gets out of hand.  Other than that, I expect this to be a very easy series for Dallas to win.

Prediction
Mavericks in Five.  It could go six, but it won’t go seven, and I won’t be shocked at all if it does only take four.  Since they play in the Western Conference, they’ve definitely had a rougher schedule so a team like Miami doesn’t exactly present an insurmountable challenge to them.  The Mavericks have won all ten games against the Heat since the 2006 NBA Finals, and I expect that trend to continue.

Final Rant
As much as I don’t like being “that guy” I will say that with all of the people I heard badmouthing the NBA, the playoffs were pretty incredible.  Think about all of the cool stuff that happened:  The Spurs got clobbered in the first round, then the Lakers got swept.  Oklahoma and Memphis proved that we’ll be seeing a lot of both of those teams in the postseason from now on.  The Bulls showed that they are RIGHT there in the East, especially since the Celtics’ age has finally gotten the best of them for good.  There’s a lot of great reasons to watch the NBA and I’ll be right there on my couch watching every minute of it.

Meehan

DERRICK ROSE STILL NOT GETTING THE RESPECT HE DESERVES

by Ryan Meehan
 
I hate to be the guy playing the no respect card but I feel I’ve been left with no choice. 
 
For those of you who don’t closely follow the NBA, probably a majority of what you hear is Kobe this, LeBron that, and whatever Carmelo Anthony is doing.  Then there’s a second level of people who watch a few games here and there and are aware of some of the league’s up and coming talent:  Guys like Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook.  I’d like to think that Derrick Rose is known to this second level but I get the feeling he’s not known enough.
 
But then there’s a third level of people who are basketball fanatics:  People like me who know more about the Memphis Grizzlies’ bench than their girlfriend’s family.  We catch every game we can and overanalyze everything.  I certainly hope you wouldn’t have to be at this level in order to understand how dominant Derrick Rose of the Chicago Bulls really is. 
 
The 2010-2011 NBA season has been owned by Rose.  In a year proceeded by media hoopla regarding where LeBron James was going to take his talents, and whether or not the Nuggets would be able to get what they wanted for Carmelo, the Bulls made only one major move in the offseason – Acquiring Carlos Boozer from the Jazz.  I didn’t really think that this was a very big move when you consider that James, Anthony, and even Dwayne Wade could have been negotiated for. 
 
Yet, I’m still hearing analysts talk about how he’s not a lock for the MVP.  That’s fucking crazy.  What does he have to do?  I heard one of these douchebags make the argument that LeBron should get it because he’s more valuable to his team.  Am I watching a different league than these guys?  Because Derrick’s the most important player to the Bulls and the league and it’s not even close.  
 
THERE IS NO RACE.  Every writer that has a vote should vote for Rose and that’s that.  This has nothing to do with being a homer, it’s just the simple truth.  There’s probably gonna be some jackoff from the Miami Herald (Not to name names, but I bet it’ll be Dan LeBetard’s dumbass) that will vote for LeBron, but this country has no shortage of stupid sportswriters.  As of press time, D Rose has averaged 25.1 PPG.  LeBron’s avergaed 26.7, but he hasn’t helped make the players around him a lot better.  Wade is at the same level he’s always been, and Bosh is starting to become exposed as a guy who was only a star on a bad team to begin with in Toronto. 
 
Same thing with Kobe:  I can’t say Kobe is really the MVP even though the numbers are there, because he’s failed to light a fire under Artest’s ass like he was able to do last year.  Instead, the Lakers are currently at the tail end of a five game losing streak in a year where they’ve had some really rough stretches and Artest has only played when he feels like it. 
 
All of the qualities one looks for in an MVP:  The numbers, the leadership, the first seed (that’s important)…they’re all there with Derrick Rose.  MVP is not only the player that is the most valuable in the league, but also the most valuable to their team.  This year, Rose fits both descriptions. 

I think it’s also important to mention here how because of the success of Michael Jordan, it seems like everyone looks at every quality Bulls starter as if he’ll never fill Michael’s Nike’s.  Which is true, but Rose doesn’t need to be the next Jordan, he just needs to be himself.  There’s this stigma that seems to suggest every time that we see a guy in a Bulls uniform tearing it up we think “Well, he’ll never be you know who…”, and that’s ridiculous.  Maybe it’s because the fanbase is so dedicated (You didn’t seem to see anything about Kobe not being able to become the next Magic) that we feel we’re always going to have to have that loyalty to Jordan.  And we should, because he won us six championships, but that certainly doesn’t mean a guy can’t come along after him and throw down. 

It’s also important to note that other than the uniform, Derrick Rose has nothing to do with Michael Jordan.  The same way Kobe Bryant and LeBron James have nothing to do with Michael Jordan.  It was a different era, a different league.  And we will never see the likes of another basketball players quite like Mike. 
The Bulls will play the Pacers in the first round, who (as I have stated previously) are only in the playoffs to begin with because the Bucks have tanked so bad.  It’s likely the Bulls will have a pretty easy path to the Finals, as the numbers would dictate they’ll probably see Orlando in the second round, and it doesn’t really matter who they play in the conference Finals because they are better than both the Celtics and the Heat.    

We are East End Philadelphia

Meehan

CRYING ISN’T EXACTLY THE FUCKING PROBLEM HERE

A File photograph from the most recent Knights of Faggotry meeting

by Ryan Meehan

Sunday the Miami Heat lost their fourth straight game to the Chicago Bulls 87-86 in a game where they were leading in the final minutes.

Over the past couple of days, I’ve heard a lot of these tough guy analysts talk a lot of shit about how you can’t cry in any sport, or at work in general.  I understand the psychological implications of this method of thinking, but at the same time it’s also something that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.  At least in this context.

I’m a bit of a hypocrite here since I believe that people in this country are WAY too fixated on their feeling and emotions.  I think our emotions get in the way of doing business and that’s probably one of the reasons that as a nation we aren’t nearly as developed as our resources would indicate we should be.

When the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup this past year, Jeremy Roenick was calling the postgame with Dan Patrick and he had a bit of an emotional moment when he started to cry because he never won a Stanley Cup during his illustrious career, a majority of which was spent with the Blackhawks.  Roenick got a ton of shit for this, as all of the “hardcore” hockey fans started throwing a fit about how hockey is for tough guys and no one should be crying.  Most of these guys never strapped on a pair of skates in their life, and would likely be paralyzed after being crosschecked into the walls one time even if they had twice the padding.

If an athlete chooses to cry after a tough loss, it’s their business.  Now, I don’t happen to think that it should be all of the time they lose, that would become annoying.  But that being said, it does show a passion for their craft if done in moderation.  Would you rather every athlete be Donovan McNabb?  Would you rather he show up at every press conference with this “shit happens” attitude that implies he doesn’t care?  I think that would be boring.  I don’t mean to sound like a drama queen (and I hate people like that) but I’d rather it be an interesting soundbite than a bland one.

All of this is good and well but I think that it’s another example of the media trying to cover up the real issue here, which is the fact that Miami can’t close a fucking game to save their life.  It’s one of many issues facing the team at the moment.  They play like shit and act like sixth graders in the 4th quarter.

Another issue is Erik Spoelstra, who is basically an interim coach trying to balance some very large egos down there in South Florida.  The players all say that they respect him and that they “have his back” but athletes say what they have to say to the media to avoid any conflict inside the locker room.   Spoelstra is now coming out and saying that he saw “some players with glossy eyes” and that the situation was “greatly over-exaggerated”.  Well, it was you that gave that initial report wasn’t it?  Did you all of a sudden change your mind, or did you “misremember” the way it all went down?  A bunch of grown men who are also millionaires bawling their eyes out doesn’t seem like something that is open to a whole lot of interpretation.  I suppose it doesn’t matter as almost every sports fan in America knows Pat Riley is really running the show down there.

And I never thought I would say this, but GODDAMN was Chris Bosh overrated before this trade.  Of course he put up a lot of stats in Toronto:  There wasn’t a whole lot of other guys to fill the stat sheet.  Now that he’s on a team with a couple of legitimate superstars, he’s become this kind of awkward non-entity in the paint instead of the “X-Factor” they were hoping for.   I feel bad because I like the guy and he seems really cool, but I never though I’d hear Kevin Durant speak up and say someone was soft and he did regarding Bosh a few weeks back.

I posed the question “What’s wrong with the Miami Heat?” in the forums this morning, and this was a great answer that I got:

They don’t have any depth. Once you get beyond the big two and a half, the only person who they can count on to score more than eight points is Chalmers.

They need a better big man than Dampier and Ilgauskas. They’re both mediocre at best and can’t hang with younger, stronger, and better players like Bynum and Howard.

They don’t have a closer. We all know about LeBron’s struggles in the last few seconds, but it keeps happening. Chalmers hit a last second three to win the NCAA Championship, Wade has the clutch gene, and James Jones won the three-point shootout. I would draw up plays for any of those three players and not eve have Bosh on the floor late in close games.

Udonis Haslem is injured, and while he wouldn’t be much more than a backup to Bosh, it doesn’t help that he’s out. He was part of the championship team when the Heat won their only title.

They’re mentally soft. After every recent loss, Wade and Bosh look like they’re going to slit their wrists. Crying over a regular season loss when you’re still in the playoffs is sad.

Erik Spoelstra is in over his head. He is probably a good young coach, but he’s not the guy to handle the egos on that team.

The big two and a half set themselves up for scrutiny like no team has ever seen before. Stan Van Gundy said it best when he said that they put the scrutiny on themselves by having a celebration before having their first practice. When James said on ESPN that he was taking his talents to South Beach and sat on a stage and predicted seven rings, that made them a bigger target for opposing teams than the two-time defending champion Lakers are. I think the Heat and their “fans” thought it would be easy, and it’s not.

All very valid points, and I love the “Big two and a half” jab as well…

Whether or not you’re pro-crying or anti-crying, the point here is if the Heat are worried about that, they’re in a lot more trouble than I previously thought.

Now, not to sound like a homer but “Crygate” has almost vaporized another great story:  the Chicago Bulls.  Think about the fact that the Bulls lost their starting center in Joakim Noah for thirty games (over a third of the season), Derrick Rose is an MVP candidate, and they’re still 44-18 and the two seed in the East.  (All the while having Brian Scalabrine’s dumb pasty white ass on their roster)  All with a rookie coach nonetheless.  Are you kidding me?  How is this not front page news?  Although they’d never say it, I’m sure a lot of the guys in the Eastern Conference playoff race are scared to death of the Bulls right now.  Wouldn’t you be?

If the playoffs started today the Bulls would play the Philadelphia 76ers.  Anybody reading this think that wouldn’t be a sweep?  Of course it would.  I have connections out there (obviously) and I’m not even sure I’d want tickets to that game.

Again I’m being a hypocrite, but why don’t we report more of the good stories as opposed to just waiting to bag on somebody to fail?  This might have been the first time where I turned on ESPN and agreed with one of Dick Vitale’s points:  That we’re junkies when it comes to other people’s failures.  And that’s sad.  I’m not only enjoying the Bulls being great and the Heat not living up to expectations, because I knew that the Bulls were going to have an awesome season, and I was suspect of the guys in Miami getting along to begin with.

We are East End Philadelphia.

Meehan