NFL WEEK THIRTEEN WRAPUP

by Ryan Meehan

In Week Thirteen, Detroit Lions defensive end Ndamokung Suh found a creative way to become part of the news cycle again early Saturday morning.  At somewhere around 1:15 AM in Portland, Oregon Suh was driving his 1970 Chevrolet Coupe when he hit a curb, ran over a drinking fountain, killed three homeless people, and hit a pregnant deer before finally crashing his car into a tree.  Of course I made part of that up, but the beginning of it was true and things like that happen to you if you’re an asshole.  (Editor’s Note:  As someone who has been an asshole for decades, I can verify that this is true.)  Here’s the story if you’re interested:  http://www.examiner.com/sports-celebrity-in-national/ndamukong-suh-of-the-detroit-lions-is-back-the-news

Now as for the football, in some cases we saw some great games in week thirteen.  However, there were a few games that we could have done without.  One of those games was the Thursday game so we’ll go ahead and start there:  

Seahawks 31, Eagles 14

I am 100% convinced that a majority of the players on Philadelphia’s squad have given up completely.  This starts with DeSean Jackson, who has the talent and skill set to be a perennial MVP candidate, but unfortunately also has the attitude of an eleven year old girl who just got her period for the first time.  The sad part of all of this is that with such poor play in the NFC on Sunday, neither of these teams are mathematically eliminated yet.  It’s a shame Seattle got out to such a bad start, because they are playing well as of late and if you’ve read any of my stuff this year I love the effort Marshawn Lynch is putting forward.  As far as the Eagles go, at the moment the only one who does care seems to be…Vince Young.  So Happy Holidays to Jeff Fisher in that regard. 

Broncos 35, Vikings 32

Big props to the Denver defense for getting the job done here.  I’m certain that somewhere in that stadium they could clearly see that Oakland was getting lit up by Miami and they finally stepped their game up and Andre Goodman had an interception late in the game that set the Tebow show up for another dramatic finale.  Timmy threw for over 200 yards, and had a passer rating of 149.3 so he’s certainly showing everyone he’s not just a one trick pony.  The only downside for the Broncos here is the fact that for the most part if you have a defense that’s as talented as Denver’s is, there’s no reason to give up 32 points to the Vikings, even if it is on the road. 

49ers 26, Rams 0

Getting shut out is probably the most humiliating thing in sports unless you play soccer or hockey.  And even then, it’s got to hurt pretty bad.  The St. Louis Rams did everything wrong on Sunday and the scoreboard reflected their poor performance.  I understand that the Rams are low on options when it comes to who they start at quarterback, but I’m not sure that AJ Feeley is mentally capable of watering a houseplant right now.  The bad news for Frisco is that linebacker Patrick Willis was injured, which could be devastating if they pln to make a deep run into the playoffs.  Frank Gore also became the 49ers franchise career rushing leader, surpassing Joe Perry.  (The football player, not the angry looking dude from Aerosmith)

Patriots 31, Colts 24

The Patriots got way ahead in this game then they decided that they were far enough ahead that they didn’t need to wear themselves out, and that’s the ONLY reason the Colts scored 24 points here.  They started that Dan Orlovksy clown that was a stud in the CFL, and although he had a pretty decent day (30-37 for 353) don’t let the numbers fool you, the Colts never had a chance in this game and that’s precisely why NBC flexed the Detroit-New Orleans game in its place.  The Patriots have a very unique strategy.  They pretty much go out there and just announce to the world that they have two tight ends who are the most talented in the game today, and then get those guys a combined total of 15 to 20 touches and that’s all they need to get out of there with the win. 

Panthers 38, Buccaneers 19

This exactly the type of game the Panthers were expecting when they drafted Cam Newton.  He threw for a touchdown, ran for three, and broke Steve Grogan’s record of number of rushing touchdown in a season by a quarterback.  He’s still not putting up a lot of 300 yard performances, but remember they still employ the services of Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams so there aren’t going to be a whole lot of situations next year where Cam Newton’s going to need to throw 50 times to win the game.  What a disappointing finish to the season for Tampa.  Everything looked so promising and everybody was mentioning that Josh Freeman was going to be the quarterback of the future, and then it all fell apart. 

Steelers 35, Bengals 7

One of the things I think has been overlooked this year more than anything else is that the Steelers came very close to winning the Super Bowl last year.  It was no fluke, they’re 9-3 now and look just as god as the other three teams in the AFC with the same record.  The Steelers two biggest offensive weapons, Rashard Mendenhall and Mike Wallace, each had two touchdowns so this game was sort of unwinnable for Cincinnati from the get-go.  and it doesn’t get any easier here for the Bengals, who still have to play the Ravens and the Texans before the season ends.  I think Andy Dalton is going to be a good quarterback in the NFL, but unfortunately for him because of the division he’s in he may never be a great one if he stays in Cincy.  Pittsburgh, Houston, New England, and Baltimore are going to cause a massive clusterfuck once the AFC playoffs start. 

Packers 38, Giants 35

This is going to sound weird since my team lost, but I thought that so far this was the game of the year in the NFL and there isn’t even a close second.  It was neck and neck throughout the whole sixty minutes, went down to the last snap, and could have very easily gone into overtime.  With three and a half minutes left, Eli Manning led the Giants on a marvelous drive down the field AND scored a two point conversion to tie the game at 35.  The only problem is, they left Aaron Rodgers 58 second on the clock.  Well, to make a long story short Rodgers made sure the Packers gained over 50 yards in thirteen seconds on two plays, and before you knew it they had ran the clock down to nothing setting up a perfect opportunity for Mason Crosby to kick the game winning field goal which he did.  The pessimist Giants fan in me would say “How the hell does your defense throw in the towel like that when you know you can get a stop and have a fifty/fifty chance that you’ll get the ball in overtime?” but the optimist consummate NFL fan in me knows deep down inside that the real reason that all happened is because Aaron Rodgers really is that good.  To do that so quick, in crunch time, and on the road?  You have to respect that no matter who you root for. 

Ravens 24, Browns 10

Ray Rice = 204 yards.  That guy is crushing people’s dreams in the AFC North this year.  Lardarius Webb returned a punt for a touchdown for Baltimore as well, and if they can keep their special teams going they could really make a Super Bowl run.  They already own the tiebreaker over the Steelers, so even though you’re super tired of hearing the phrase “They control their own destiny” at this time of year, that’s exactly the predicament the Ravens find themselves in.  The Browns are going to need a serious overhaul of all sorts this offseason.  The worst thing that can happen to an NFL team is to be a losing team, and you could make the argument that’s exactly what the Browns are.  The second worst thing that you can be is irrelevant, since so much of a franchise’s income is based on ticket sales, jersey revenue, and licensing in general.  The Cleveland Browns are about as irrelevant as any other NFL franchise, save the Jaguars.  And since it appears that the other three teams in that division are going to be much better than they are for the next five or six years, they’re really in trouble and it’s going to be a struggle to get free agents to want to come play there. 

Dolphins 34, Raiders 14

Fuck the Raiders.  Seriously.  Much like I discussed about the Broncos earlier, the Raiders had to know that the Minnesota-Denver game could have gone either way and they still brought absolutely nothing to the table.  The Raiders offensive gameplan probably didn’t sit too well with Carson Palmer, since for the most part it consisted of “don’t block for the guy unless you really want to”.  Richard Seymour got ejected from this game for throwing a punch that he will likely get a one game suspension for, something the Raiders don’t exactly need at the moment with all of heaven rooting for them to blow that division so that Denver will win it.  Amongst all of the shit teams in the NFL this year, you have to give the Dolphins props for not giving up and giving it their all when they don’t have a prayer at getting in.  Especially that defense, as this was a shutout for the first two hours and ten minutes of the broadcast.  Miami’s won four out of their last five.    

Titans 23, Bills 17

Another big day for Chris Johnson:  153 yards.  Tennessee has to be pissed though, because they keep posting these above average showings, and the Texans (who they are chasing in the AFC South race) continue to suffer all of these brutal injuries but keep winning.  Fitzpatrick outgunned Matt Hasselbeck by doubling his passing yards, further proof that defense wins championships and a great running game will do you wonders.  You know what they say:  NO ONE circles the wagons like the Tennessee Titans.  If you are a Bills fan feel free to get upset with me and send me hate mail, and when I go to visit the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, I’ll put those same emails right next to all of Jim Kelly’s Super Bowl rings. 

Jets 34, Redskins 19

Now these are the Washington Redskins I remember.  I was getting worried there for a second that the team with the racist name was actually going to end up being the team that won their first three games before losing everything the next month and a half after that.  Of course the bad news is now we have to listen to Rex Ryan talk all week about how the Jets are still in it and how they deserve to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl.  Virtually anything about Rex Ryan that doesn’t involve him being impaled through his brown eye with a sword until he eventually bleeds to death out of his asscrack is nothing that I want to listen to.  They are still in the race, but they’re the nine seed at the moment as they lose almost every tiebreaker with anybody else who has a 7-5 record.  I did also want to give some Iowa love to Shonn Greene who had two rushing touchdowns at the end of the game to seal the deal, and a total of three on the day. 

Chiefs 10, Bears 3

Man, Caleb Hanie suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks…If I was a Bears fan, I’d walk right into that locker room and kick him in the back of the head.  I’d plead guilty to doing it, and show up to my sentencing wearing a very, very nice suit.  And when the judge gave my black ass a hundred years, I’d smile and thank him for his work.  Thankfully I was not born a Bears fan so I get to stay out of prison, at least for the time being.  In Hanie’s defense, that offensive line is pretty terrible though.  I’m not going to spend a whole lot of room discussing the Kansas City Chiefs because that’s not what we do here, but I have to say I thought Dexter McCluster impressed the hell out of me.  I like the way that kid finds the hole and instantly exploits it.  His stats weren’t amazing by any stretch of imagination, but I really like the way he runs.  I don’t have a whole lot of information on the Matt Forte injury but I’m sure that we’ll know more as the week progresses.  There was a report Monday that Brett Favre said that if the Bears called he would consider the offer, but apparently they have no plans to make the call.  (Thank God)

Texans 17, Falcons 10

Remember last week how I said the Falcons look amazing when they are firing on all cylinders?  They didn’t seem to be firing on any during this one.  The Texans sure have overcome a lot of adversity this year.  And they may be facing more; as Andre Johnson may be seriously hurt again.  The one thing I know for sure is that God is definitely not a Texans fan.  They’ve struggled repeatedly since their inception and this year when they finally are in the position to make a playoff run, everyone and their grandmother gets hurt.  Don’t get me wrong I love the guy, but the Houston Texans make the man upstairs look like a real puppy kicker.  It looks like the Andre Johnson injury is his other hamstring (not the same one he injured earlier this year) and it isn’t serious, so we’re looking at maybe a few weeks but I would expect him to be back for the Titans-Texans game week seventeen.  In the meantime, it looks like they are going to stick with T.J. Yates.  What that basically means is Arian Foster is going to be getting the ball a lot more than usual, which is already a lot.  Falcons still holding down the last Wild Card spot at the moment because of losses by Dallas, New York, and Detroit. 

Cardinals 19, Cowboys 13

Hilarious.  If you hate the Cowboys half as much as I do, you’re going to love this.  For the most part, this game was unwatchable until the last ten seconds, but then things got really interesting.  The Cowboys were set up for kicker Dan Bailey to kick a game winning 50 yard field goal.  So he hits it, but for some reason Cowboys coach Jason Garrett had called a timeout so the play never happened.  Essentially what he did was ice his own kicker.  So Bailey goes back out there and not only is the kick wide left, it’s also short and the Cowboys are standing around wondering what just went down.  Arizona wins the coin toss, and Kevin Kolb hits LaRod Stephens-Howling on a screen play, who finds a hole and runs 52 yards all the way to the endzone.  Priceless.  The Cowboys have some bad luck in that stadium since 2008, but sometimes that’s what makes the NFL great. 

Saints 31, Lions 17 

I honestly can’t think of any team in recent NFL history that’s as cocky as the Lions are.  They could be down fifty points and they’d be out there doing some dance that Lil’ Jon has recently popularized.  It’s unreal how full of them selves they are.  And it’s not like they have any reason to be:  After their 5-0 start, they’re 2-5, have had their best player suspended from the league for two games, and have looked like absolute shit during that entire period.  It was another stock 342 yard passing performance for Drew Brees Sunday night, and I’d just like to say “good luck” to anyone who might have to play them in the Superdome wild card weekend.  Bonus comment:  Memo to every player in the National Football League:   You CAN NOT touch a referee during a game and if you do so you will for sure get fifteen yards, possibly ejected, and maybe even a suspension.  Really don’t know why this one is so hard to absorb. 

Chargers 38, Jaguars 14

For everybody that thinks this makes everything better for San Diego, you’re wrong.  This didn’t prove anything:  It was a game where Jacksonville was obviously testing out their players to see who will be around next year and most of those guys were playing poorly.  Now, if you need any proof that this was indeed the case, remember the botched snap on the field goal attempt.  I missed most of the fourth quarter because my cat was peeing and at the time I had the desire to see some sort of effort put into something.  Jon Gruden would not stop mentioning that the Jaguars should have taken Tebow a couple of years ago in the draft.  He kept bringing up how he’d be like “a rockstar” down there because it was his hometown and so forth.  Right, because I’m sure that wouldn’t mess with his head at all.  Philip Rivers and Norv Turner are still huge boners.

AFC Playoff Picture:

Division Leaders

1)  Houston Texans (9-3)

2)  New England Patriots (9-3)

3)  Baltimore Ravens (9-3)

4)  Denver Broncos (7-5)

Wild Cards

5)  Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)

6)  Cincinnati Bengals (7-5)

On the Bubble

7)  Tennessee Titans (7-5)

8)  Oakland Raiders (7-5)

9)  New York Jets (7-5)

NFC Playoff Picture: 

Division Leaders

1)  Green Bay Packers (12-0)

2)  San Francisco 49ers (10-2)

3)  New Orleans Saints (9-3)

4)  Dallas Cowboys (7-5)

Wild Cards

5)  Chiacgo Bears (7-5)

6)  Atlanta Falcons (7-5)

On the bubble:

7)  Detroit Lions (7-5)

8)  New York Giants (6-6)

Bonus Comment:  At this moment, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, and Tom Brady are all on pace to break Dan Marino’s single season passing record. 

Bonus Comment Number Two:  For a second during the Sunday Night matchup between the Lions and the Saints, I could have sworn I took my sleep medication early by mistake, dozed off, and briefly dreamed that NBC announced Madonna would be the halftime entertainment for Super Bowl Forty Six.  But then they mentioned it again, and I checked the interwebs to see if it was for real and to my horror I confirmed that this was indeed the case.  Aside from the fact that it’s been a substantial amount of time since Madonna put out a great record, I can’t believe how inaccurate the NFL is when it comes to nailing their target market.  In other words, I know of no hardcore football fans that are going to be thrilled about this.  And I don’t want to hear any of this noise about how “everybody watches the Super Bowl, not just football fans” because that’s a tired argument and it alerts us that every year the NFL bastardizes its product for one day just so nobody will feel left out, which we’d rather not admit. 

It’s been my take (as I’m viewed as a bit of a Negative Nick) for many years that the idea of having a halftime show at the Super Bowl is awfully stupid.  But this really should be the last year they do it.  Seriously, all of the “legendary” artists have already done it, Michael Jackson’s dead, and music is in such a slump right now that there aren’t any current artists that really deserve the slot.  It has to be done away with.  I would honestly much rather watch some sort of a telethon that raises money for burn victims than watch Madonna lip sync her way through “Dress You Up” at 53.  This is so far beyond being ridiculous it’s not even funny.  And usually I have something humorous to say about stuff like this, but I’m at a loss for words here because I just find this disturbing more than anything else. 

Thursday we’ll do picks and we’re bringing in some heat.  We have a guest that is kind enough to donate his time and talent to EEP yet raw enough to rip some of these franchises a new asshole.  He’s a published author and is much better at doing this than I am, and if his previous work is any indication of what he’s about to contribute, he’ll be fucking bringing it for sure.  See you then…
 
We are EEP.

Meehan

NFL WEEK TEN PREVIEW

by Ryan Meehan

Week Ten brings the start of these Thursday games on NFL network that are totally unnecessary. In fact, I can’t think of any football player that believes in forward momentum so much that he would prefer to play on only four days rest. But I suppose any NFL happenings are a good thing considering this horrifying scandal that’s coming out of Penn State at the moment. I’ll address this in another column but for now let’s keep the discussion at the pro level. The New England Patriots have finally released DL Albert Haynesworth and the Washington Redskins have finally parted ways with WR Donte Stallworth. Neither should be a shock to anybody, what with Haynesworth being ineffective and out of shape for a few years now, and Stallworth carrying the extra baggage of that pesky manslaughter charge back in 2009. Considering that both of these things are simply news items and will not have an effect on the rest of the season, here are the picks for week ten.

Oakland (4-4) at San Diego (4-4)

Here is previously mentioned Thursday night game. Somebody has to win and take charge of this division. Don’t get me wrong it’s incredibly unfortunate that someone has to due to the current playoff structure, but it’s true. Philip Rivers went out of his way in the Packers postgame press conference to mention that he wasn’t hurt and I wondered why he did that. If you aren’t hurt, you aren’t hurt, but don’t come out and say that the shoulder feels great because then it just looks like you don’t know what you’re doing. In his defense, I can’t write this paragraph without bringing up just how much the San Diego defense has changed in the last five years: It all started with the Shawne Merriman HGH suspension, then they lost Antonio Cromartie to the Jets, and ever since it’s been just downright depressing. the only legit guy they have back there is Quentin Jammer and he lets his over-inflated opinion of himself get in the way of almost everything he does. (Barring of course penalties) The Raiders are a trainwreck on fire before it even hit the ground…my oh my how their season has changed since Jason Campbell got injured. Carson Palmer has six interceptions the past two weeks (well, technically one and a half weeks) but you can’t throw Terrell Pryor in there yet because he’ll die in the pocket. Gotta go with the lesser of two evils here, even though the short week favors neither team.

Chargers 32, Raiders 13

New Orleans (6-3) at Atlanta (5-3)

This should be a good one. Don’t expect it to end 9-6 like the Alabama-LSU game did last Saturday. Both of these teams are coming off recent hearty beatings of the Indianapolis Colts, but check out this stat: The Atlanta Falcons have forced a turnover in the last 27 straight games, the longest streak amongst any NFL team. This could prove to be very key against a team like the Saints, who make Drew Brees throw the ball a lot. The Saints are up and down, they’re up at the moment due to the victory over Tampa. Therefore I like them to be down again this week, and even though it pains me to say it, they’re due for a major injury here any day now and this might be the week that happens. Also watch for rookie Julio Jones to have another big Sunday against a vulnerable Saints defense.

Falcons 34, Saints 24

Detroit (6-2) at Chicago (5-3)

It was hard to not be impressed by the Bears’ road win on Monday night at the Linc. In a move very uncharacteristic of his usual play, running back Matt Forte fumbled twice, losing both. However, I don’t believe this is going to be a long term type issue with a simple motion. (e.g. Tiki Barber fumbling or Chuck Knoblauch not being able to find out where the hell first base is) I still think the Lions are a farce and this is the beginning of a set of games in which we’ll find out if that’s actually the case. Back to the Bears, several crucial tackles and batted balls late in this one lead me to believe that they mean business. I don’t know if they’re Super Bowl bound, but they are a better team at home than the Lions are on the road, so I’m taking them by just a field goal.

Bears 21, Lions 18

Pittsburgh (6-2) at Cincinnati (6-2)

I’m saying the Steelers show up pissed and the Bengals get exposed. Getting your heart ripped out of your chest at home like that stings something fierce, and the Bengals aren’t used to playing a team that’s that mad. And it appears that the Hines Ward injury is relatively minor and he will be ready to go here. This will be rookie Andy Dalton’s first taste of Steeler defense, so I hope the Bengals have plenty of diapers on hand. Eighteen points sounds about right.

Steelers 35, Bengals 17

St. Louis (1-7) at Cleveland (3-5)

The Browns have won three games? Against who? I demand a fucking recount. Were they in some kind of field goal kicking contests that I didn’t see? If I were to break this one down I’d probably find out that you could look for a big day on the ground for Stephen Jackson, but why even do that? That’s not fair to me or anybody else that might be reading this.

Rams 14, Browns 3

Buffalo (5-3) at Dallas (4-4)

Still not sure if Buffalo is all that and a bag of chips, but they are better than Dallas. They’ll need more than eleven points to win this one, and that should be doable against Dallas, who looks average or slightly above on paper (10th against the league in rushing and 16th against the league in passing) yet has become notorious for giving up the big play on third down in a crucial situation. And Fitzpatrick needs to make one of those big plays in order to get his stroke back. I’m puzzled that I don’t have more to say about this…Miles Austin will be out with an injury but I didn’t see him being much of a factor against that Bills secondary in this one anyway.

Bills 22, Cowboys 20

Battle of Ineptitude: Jacksonville (2-6) at Indianapolis (0-9)

In the words of the immortal Carl Brutananadilewski: “You have got to be frickin’ kidding me…” I have to bring back the “Battle of Ineptitude” here. We made it through nine weeks without it needing it but I’m afraid the NFL has left me no choice. The Colts have nothing to gain and everything to lose by winning any of their remaining seven games, and have got me thinking that maybe the NFL should adopt a system similar to the NBA draft lottery so that we can avoid teams tanking games towards the end of the season. Not only is it not fair to the teams who are trying to win every week, it’s extremely unfair to the season ticketholders. I have absolutely nothing to say about the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Jaguars 20, Colts 12

Denver (3-5) at Kansas City (4-4)

After seeing Kansas City failing to score a touchdown against a team that had been previously winless, it’s hard for me to think they’ll be able to compete with the Jerusalem Broncos. Speaking of which, you know what? I recant my statement from Tuesday. The Denver Broncos aren’t out of it at all in the AFC West race. Case in point: Remember a couple of years back when the Chargers were 4-8 heading into week fourteen and they swept their remaining schedule, winding up in the playoffs after all. The Broncos can do it. Don’t get me wrong, if they do they’re going to end up getting murdered but it is a possibility. 3-5 is not that far out.

Broncos 21, Chiefs 17

Washington (3-5) at Miami (1-7)

Once the team who came out of the starting gate looking great this season, the Washington Redskins stand dumbfounded and at the bottom of a tough NFC East wondering what the fuck happened. Although I realize that I’ve been harping on this for quite some time now, I don’t really believe that the Redskins ever had a true number on quarterback. I’ve been saying for a month now that neither Grossman or Beck are good enough to be better than a third stringer in the NFL. Miami did surprise me by putting up 31 points last week, but I’m not ready to give Matt Moore anymore credit than he might deserve.

Dolphins 27, Redskins 18

Arizona (2-6) at Philadelphia (3-5)

The Eagles are in real trouble. The home loss to the Bears did a lot of psychological damage as well as damage in the standings: Philly is now a game behind the Cowboys and three games behind the New York Giants. This put them in a very dark place to start the second half of their season. But this should be a game where they can make up some ground. Arizona put us through an agonizing 19-13 win over the Rams last week, stretching the game out to five excruciating quarters. Or at least they would have, had anybody been watching. No way Philadelphia blows this one.

Eagles 28, Cardinals 10

Houston (6-3) at Tampa Bay (4-4)

The Texans are a team that I like but it’s hard for me to pick them in games like this one. They have a great defense but if Freeman can get lit early it could spell trouble for Houston. This game might depend on how the Bucs can stop the Texans’ run game, which between Arian Foster and Ben Tate has been nothing short of fucking brutal this year. When Foster got hurt, I can remember saying “Wow, that Tate kid has really stepped up in his place”. Then Foster came back and they are slowly turning into a two headed monster. Don’t get me twisted, I love the Houston Texans. But whenever I pick the Bucs to lose games like this they end up winning so I have to take Tampa here. Accuracy > Hope.

Buccaneers 25, Texans 20

Tennessee (4-4) at Carolina (2-6)

My hope here would be that this is the game we’ve all been waiting for where Cam Newton burts through the wall like the Kool Aid Man after snorting a quarter ounce of speed and racks up the same type of numbers he did while he was in college. But I’ve got that “bear-trap-in-a-tennis-court” type of lucky streak, so I don’t foresee it happening. Make no mistake, Carolina is the better team here and they have lost several close games, but they still have a long way to go before coming up short every Sunday isn’t an issue. Almost all of us would rather see Newton have a great day than Hasselbeck.

Titans 33, Panthers 18

Baltimore (6-2) at Seattle (2-6)

Anybody picking this game to be an upset is doing it strictly for attention. Joe Flacco is coming off a game winning drive against Pittsburgh last week where we found out a lot about his ability to lead a football team on the road under a ton of pressure. If hadn’t have gone that 92 yards, people would have started to raise some questions about the validity of Baltimore as a contender: The loss to Jacksonville, the week to week instability, and even though Pittsburgh is a great team a loss to the Steelers coupled with blowing a chance to sweep the season series would have certainly done it. But now, they’re the belle of the ball. Seattle has been a good home team in recent years, but I find it hard to believe that Pete Carroll’s rah-rah attitude will keep him around in a division where there’s no excuse for being under .500 every year.

Ravens 27, Seahawks 6

NY Giants (6-2) at San Francisco (7-1)

This one I’m looking forward to in a big way. Expect this one to be a low scoring affair as both teams gave good defensive performances last week. I like the 49ers to have the upper hand not only because the game is at home, but because they aren’t getting a lot of the credit they deserve. This will be the nationally televised 3:15 PM game and for many fans it will be the first time they’ve seen San Francisco all year. It’s the perfect opportunity for Alex Smith to make it known to the world that the 49ers aren’t a fluke and I fully expect him to do so. Even though they played a good defensive set last week (particularly in the first half) the Giants are still having some of their standard tackling issues late in the game so if you’re a fantasy guy start Gore and assume at least 120 on the ground.

49ers 20, Giants 16

New England (5-3) at NY Jets (5-3)

In a perfect world neither of these teams would ever win anything, but I have to give the Patriots the upper hand here. Rarely do they lose two in a row, and they almost never lose three in a row so you have to assume they win here. It’s going to be a struggle because of course because the Jets are psyched after that big win in Buffalo, and they believe so much of their own hype to begin with I don’t think anybody on that team is going to bed this week. Mark Sanchez will need to step up big here and I don’t think he has it in him. (And to anyone who may be asking themselves why that is…What has he done in the past that might make me think he could do it here) Which is pretty sad, because the Pats are still ranked last against the pass. If I was Rex Ryan I’d make Sanchez throw 45 to 50 balls in this one, but we all know he won’t do that.

Patriots 17, Jets 13

Minnesota (2-6) at Green Bay (8-0)

The Vikings probably aren’t happy with the NFL’s scheduling this year, as they have to play undefeated Green Bay twice in a sixteen day span. But this won’t be like the game these two teams just played in the Metrodome, this game will be at Lambeau and the Packers won’t be fucking around. A blowout is not out of the question, as the Packers are going to beat at least one team by 45 before the season is over. I am getting a bit tired of the undefeated talk though…Everybody knows that no coach in his right mind with that level of talent is going to start any of his A guys the second they clinch home field, so why are we to believe that this year would be any different? Mike McCarthy’s a smart guy and I’m sure the minute the Packers have it in the bag their second team will be in there.

Packers 36, Vikings 10

What to watch for this weekend:  Not trying to sound like a homer, but it would be awfully hard to argue that the Giants/49ers matchup wouldn’t give us the game of the week. Patriots/Jets is always pretty heated so look out for that. You might also notice that there’s a full slate of 16 games this week, but don’t get too excited: This is not the end of the bye weeks. For some reason, the dumbass who put together the schedules seemed to think it would be a fantastic idea to start the byes a week earlier this year, skip a week towards the middle of the season, only to come back with a week’s worth of byes the following Sunday. It makes perfect sense if you’ve just suffered a stroke.

Poll Question: Who is having a better year – Aaron Rodgers so far this season or Tom Brady in 2007?

Wea re EEP.

Meehan

NFL WEEK SEVEN WRAPUP

by Ryan Meehan

For the most part week seven brought us some very poor football. There appears to be a little bit of controversy over what was said or what wasn’t said by Cliff Avril and Ndamokang Suh after they sacked Matt Ryan and it looked as though he was going to be injured badly. As fate would have it, Ryan is fine and Suh and Avril are getting blasted on the air and will likely face some sort of fines. Oh, and Vikings defensive end Brian Robison kicked Packers guard square in the crotch, there’s very little debate about that because it was captured on film. Let’s take a look at what else went down:

Bears 24, Buccaneers 18

This game was played in London, England and we gave the Brits a good product this time. Matt Forte is hands down the NFC Offensive player of the week, with 145 rushing yards and a touchdown. Cutler didn’t have a great day, but was able to run the offense well even though I’m sure he’s still not cool with all the play calling. Chicago almost let this one get away, thankfully Josh Freeman is still very much in the developmental stage of NFL quarterbacking. Devin Hester caught 4 balls for 46 yards, which should excite you if you’re a Bears fan because it means they’re trying to work him into the offense more. He can’t run a reverse to save his life though, maybe it’s too obvious the ball is coming his way.

Chiefs 28, Raiders 0

Yep, you read that right. I have to admit I had no idea this was going down. Oakland used both Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer, switching to the latter in the third quarter. Each threw three picks (one pick six each) and looked very shaky at best, and combined for a QBR of 19.8. The Chiefs are back to .500 but trust me, they’re really nowhere near that good. This is a rough loss for the Raiders because this is one that could literally destroy their whole year. Think about it: They got shutout at home by four touchdowns against a Chiefs team whose quarterback went 15 for 30 and passed for only 161 yards. They deserve all the shit that will be talked about them this week and then some. End transmission.

Broncos 18, Dolphins 15

To be brutally honest with you, even though Tim Tebow engineered a great come from behind victory in this one we didn’t really learn any new information about him. We already knew he was a tireless worker and wouldn’t give up, and that he is a born leader. Beating the Dolphins in overtime doesn’t really show me a whole lot. The biggest question mark here is why Tony Sporano decided to go for the two point conversion instead of the extra point, which would have won the Miami the game. I don’t give a shit what that chart says, if it’s a 6-0 game through three quarters and both teams are struggling to get across the field, you settle for having 13 points and you’re happy with it. I expect Sporano to be fired here sooner rather than later, and personally I think he’s trying to expedite the whole process.

Texans 41, Titans 7

I told you the Titans were toy. And I knew that once the Texans’ schedule eased up they’d be able to show people what they were truly capable of. I wasn’t exactly sure who Tennessee thought they were kidding besides themselves thinking they could actually win the division, even with the Colts playing as poorly as they have been playing. Arian Foster caught a screen pass that he took 78 yards to the house, proving that a running back that can catch short passes can end up being the most valuable player on your roster. Schaub shut a lot of his fairweather haters up in this one.

Browns 6, Seahawks 3

If you pay money to get into see a pro football game, somebody better score a touchdown. But then again, if you paid money to see the Browns play the Seahawks, I don’t really have a whole lot of sympathy for you to begin with. The stat sheet from this game is nothing short of hilarious. I was watching NFL Live earlier and there was a receiver from the Browns that caught a pass in Seahawks territory and the promptly got up and made the move all of the receivers are making where they mimic the official’s first down signal, only he did it in the wrong direction. That was pretty much this entire game in a nutshell.

Steelers 32, Cardinals 20

When Ken Wisenhunt wakes up this morning he’s going to have a lot of thinking to do. The Arizona Cardinals are 1-5 and it looks as if they are stuck with a quarterback that is in way over his head. Kevin Kolb is missing easy throws and looks very uncomfortable. He’s not exactly getting fantastic pass protection all of the time, but even when he is it still looks like he doesn’t have a very good concept of the overall pace of the game. The team as a whole is in a very rough spot when you consider that San Francisco is running away from the other three teams in a division where there’s absolutely no chance of producing a wild card whatsoever. Ben Roethlisberger had a hell of a day, going 26 for 39 and throwing for 361 yards. But this was a game that I expected them to win, and I’m sure they will find it to be more of a test next week when the New England Patriots come to town.

Packers 33, Vikings 27

As formidable as the Packers look in the win column, teams are slowly finding ways to expose their weaknesses but in the end it never seems to be enough. Minnesota controlled the first half of this game and the Packers had me legitimately worried. Aaron Rodgers completed his first 13 passes, and the fourteenth was placed perfectly in Randall Cobb’s hands but he dropped it. For the life of me I can’t figure out how Green Bay only scored 33 points here. They were behind the entire first half, but what I really like about the Packers is they remain calm when those types of things happen and end up on top. Christian Ponder made a couple good throws but overall he only completed 13 of 32 so he’s got a lot of work to do.

Jets 27, Chargers 21

It’s safe to say that the team that needed the victory the most prevailed here. Whereas this didn’t have to be a game that the Chargers expected to win, Rex’s Jets had to have this one and they were lucky enough to mount a comeback. The Chargers can afford this loss especially when you consider what happened to the Raiders. But they are going to likely keep it in idle and coast their way to another AFC West Championship. I heard a really, really dumb quote from San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers after the game. He said something along the lines of “For the last six months everybody’s been talking about how the regular season doesn’t matter, and now everybody wants to talk about the regular season all of a sudden”. Couple things about that verbal abortion: If you don’t play well in the regular season, chances are that you aren’t going to get to the playoffs to begin with. Also, the media is concerned with what’s happening right now…BECAUSE THEY ARE THE FUCKING MEDIA AND THAT’S THEIR DAMN JOB. If the playoffs were in progress right now, everybody would be discussing that. And for as much as these guys say that they ignore what the media is saying, they sure seem to be well-versed with what’s been said about them the second they start losing. And here’s another reason I don’t play fantasy football: Think about how many people benched Plaxico Burress this week instead of someone else. He would finish with three touchdowns on the day.

Falcons 23, Lions 16

And just like that, the Lions have lost two straight home games. And it couldn’t have come at a worse time considering the Bears are now red hot. I’m hearing some debate on sports talk radio today about whether or not the Lions are a dirty team. I don’t think they are necessarily a dirty team collectively but I think a couple of those guys (and yes, Suh is one of them) need to scale back the excessive celebration. It’s just a sack anyway, it’s not like it’s a Safety in the Super Bowl. I understand that some of them are pumped, but seriously…settle down. The real news here is that the Lions could be in real trouble as Matthew Stafford might have injured his ankle on the last series. (As of Monday night coach Jim Schwarz is saying he’s day to day) As for the Falcons, they have no real reason to change their gameplan. Give the ball to Michael Turner between 20 to 30 times every game, then split everything in the air between White (who made a hell of a touchdown catch Sunday), Douglas (who is a bit of a third wheel but is playing excellent football right now), and Tony Gonzalez (who passed Cris Carter on the all time receptions list and is now number two). Monday their coach Mike Smith gave them an entire seven days off due to their bye week next Sunday.

Panthers 33, Redskins 20

So Washington played very poor defense in this game. Looking back on it I can’t really say that this was even an upset. The Redskins aren’t nearly as good as they appeared to be a couple of weeks ago. And while they had previously been able to avoid the injury bug that had bitten other teams so severely, they’re in real trouble because they just lost leading rusher Tim Hightower for the rest of the year to a torn ACL. It’s a shame because he was having a great season. Now, let’s look at Carolina. Previously on the Cam Newton show, he had been putting up some great stats but not getting the Ws. Sunday he went 18 for 23 with no picks and they got the win. Go figure.

Cowboys 34, Rams 7

Rookie running back DeMarco Murray rushed for 253 yards against the Rams, which was a franchise record. While 253 yards is usually a pretty large number that you would expect to be a franchise record, remember that this is a Dallas franchise that in the past employed the services of both Tony Dorsett and Emmitt Smith. That’s the fascinating thing to me, that neither one of those guys ever had a game where they had that many rushing yards. The passing game looked to be spread around pretty well: Both Jason Witten and Dez Bryant had a touchdown. Other than that, nothing much to see here as I expected Dallas to win big.

Saints 62, Colts 7

I actually enjoyed watching this even though it was a blowout. The “Suck For Luck” campaign has started for sure. For a moment, I thought the Saints might actually make it to seventy. You know a game is getting out of hand in the middle of the season when a team pulls their starting quarterback before the third quarter ends. Drew Brees had 5 touchdown passes and passed for a measly 325 yards, and Sproles would have had a lot more than 88 on the ground if they had actually needed a running game. Marques Colston also have seven receptions, two of which were touchdowns. Hopefully Mark Ingram’s bruised heel won’t be a long term issue for the team in the weeks to comes.

Jaguars 12, Ravens 7

I have to take serious issue with this because Baltimore was my dark horse. Explain to me how this works: The Ravens beat the Texans, but lose to the Jaguars AND the Titans? I don’t understand that. Jones Drew had 105 yards and Scobee kicked 4 field goals and that’s all it takes to beat the team that a lot of analysts were saying was the 2nd best team in the league Monday morning? I’m very, very disappointed in the Ravens. I think age might be finally catching up with them.

Bonus Comment for the week:

Since “Suck For Luck” seems to be a popular tending topic on Twitter, I’ll go ahead and address it now. And now is a great time to address it because I don’t want this bullshit clogging up the internet week fifteen when we should be spending our time discussing good teams that are vying for playoff positioning. There are three teams that are currently winless in the NFL: The Colts, the Rams, and the Dolphins. The Rams can’t be the worst team because their schedule is pretty tough this year. And it can’t be the Colts, because even with Manning on the bench, they’re still a very talented football team that employs the likes of Dallas Clark, Dwight Freeney, and Robert Mathis. The Dolphins are easily the worst team in the NFL. They have no idea who they want to be their quarterback, they play like shit at home, and have one of the worst coaches in the history of professional sports. So at the moment, they deserve Andrew Luck the most. They certainly are doing their best to suck, that’s for sure.

We are East End Philadelphia and we don’t fuck around.

Meehan

NFL WEEK FIVE PREVIEW

by Ryan Meehan

Fall is here, the leaves are starting to change colors and Week Five in the NFL is here.  My picks are a bit chalk again this week, but it’s almost harder to not pick an upset than it is to pick one.  Nonetheless there is one down there, you just have to look hard for it. 

New Orleans (3-1) at Carolina (1-3)

Time to get high…scoring that is.  It shouldn’t be any problem for Cam Newton to rack up some point against the Saints defense, which can’t exactly stop a train at the moment.  The NFC South is a mess… some weeks I think it’s a tough division but then other weeks I can’t tell if it just appears that way because they beat each other up so much.  I would assume that the Saints will win the division…but at the moment it’s hard to make the argument that anybody really deserves it. 

Saints 38, Panthers 35

Arizona (1-3) at Minnesota (0-4)

Lord knows home field advantage doesn’t seem to do jack shit for the Vikings.  Arizona let a lead slip away against the Giants last week and the offense looked very poor at the end of the game, but I can’t see them losing to the Vikings.  The Metrodome is about to get invaded by some angry birds. 

Cardinals 31, Vikings 15

Philadelphia (1-3) at Buffalo (3-1)

There’s no way I can see the Eagles falling to 1-4.  I mean I’d love to, but I’m sure it would be too good to be true.  Plus, the Giants have to play Buffalo the week after and I don’t want them to gain any momentum.  The Eagles are minus 6 on turnovers, the Bills are plus seven.  The only difference is teams with seasoned veterans know when the street lights are about to go out, and it’s getting dark in Philly.  Vick said Thursday that “all of the Dream Team talk has to be over now”, as they are just fighting to keep their head above water in what’s shaping up to be a very dangerous division race.  And you know Vick never says stuff like that so this must be pretty serious.  If for some reason they don’t win that team is going to implode quickly, but I don’t believe that will happen. 

Eagles 26, Bills 21

Seattle (1-3) at New York Giants (3-1)

The Seahawks traditionally don’t play very well in New York, and I highly doubt this will be any exception.  The Giants are a mystery but in last week’s game against Arizona, Eli looked eeriely similar to the same guy who took a 10-6 team all the way back in ’07.  He worked fast and more importantly than anything, he played with a sense of urgency.  It’s a cliche term for any sports fan to use, but I see a lot of quarterbacks down thirteen or fourteen points that play almost as if the scoreboard were covered with a tarp.  (Jay Culter comes to mind)  Look for the score to be close to my prediction, or a WHOLE lot worse.  As a Giants fan, I hope the game does turn into a blowout early so that maybe we can get some of our starters out of there before our whole squad ends up on injured reserve. 

Giants 32, Seahawks 14
 
Cincinnati (2-2) at Jacksonville (1-3)

Make me give a fuck.  Do it.  Put a gun to my head and convince me to watch.  Not that this game will be on anywhere.  The Bengals did beat the Bills last week at the last second, proving they can at least hang with a team that has to be undefeated before they attract any real attention. 

Bengals 23, Jacksonville 10
 
Kansas City (1-3) at Indianapolis (0-4)

I can remember a playoff game between the Chiefs and the Colts a few years back that was a shootout.  It was back when Dante Hall was “The X-Factor” and Peyton Manning had Marvin Harrison in his prime.  You look at these two teams nowadays and it’s hard to believe that was less than a decade ago.  Curtis Painter gets his first NFL win with an asterisk due to lack of any real competition. 

Colts 24, Chiefs 20
 
Tennessee (3-1) at Pittsburgh (2-2)

The Steelers lost last week but it was to a good team.  I’m still not entirely convinced that the Titans are one of those.  Pittsburgh is very banged up, and it’s highly unlikely James Harrison will play in this game.  They called up Max Starks (who didn’t make the team this summer) to try and help block for Ben Roethlisberger since no one else seems to be interested in doing that.  As for Big Ben, he will play, he’ll just be wearing a custom built protective shoe to try and help him maintain his balance.   If the Steelers get behind early, it’ll be very easy for them to lose control of this game, and that’s exactly what I think is going to happen. 

Titans 22, Steelers 17
 
Oakland (2-2) at Houston (3-1)

I’m on the Houston bandwagon this year.  It’s a pretty sturdy bandwagon to board, as the starting quarterback for the team that’s won that division for the better part of a fucking decade is pretty much out for the year, and anyone who doesn’t have their head crammed up their asshole can tell you that the Titans are about to buckle at some point.  But the Texans have had a rough couple of weeks…they played the Saints in New Orleans who handed them the only loss of the season, then they had to face the defending AFC Champion Steelers who they only beat by one score.  Now they host Oakland, a very confusing team that got their ass handed to them by New England last week at home.  The Raiders have the number one rushing game in all of pro football, but the 22nd ranked passing game.  Houston has the fourth ranked rushing offense, but is only ranked 18th against the run.  So look for Oakland to call about a 65/35 play selection favoring the run.  Texans WR Andre Johnson is going to be out for this game, but don’t look for that to be a dealbreaker.  I like Schaub to get the last laugh here. 

Texans 26, Raiders 21 

Tampa Bay (3-1) at San Francisco (3-1)

I really don’t know what think about the Bucs.  Everybody’s always mentioning how awesome Josh Freeman is but when you look at the stats he’s right in the middle of the pack, and he certainly doesn’t seem very exciting to me.  I visualize Tampa as being pretty much exactly the same thing that they were last year:  A slightly above average team that finishes with a good record but doesn’t make the playoffs.  Then again, I don’t really know what to think about the 49ers either.  Suffice to say we don’t see a whole lot of them out here, seeing as how FOX broadcasts the NFC games and the program director would rather run infomercials for juicers than air a pro football game.  Alex Smith is 29th in passing yards, and San Francisco’s only real strength is in stopping the run.  They’ll need that to combat the 255 pound frame of LeGarrette Blount on Sunday.  Nonetheless, I’ll take San Francisco here because they do play well at home, and Tampa only beat the Colts by a touchdown in their building in a game where they were facing a guy who was making his first NFL start. 

49ers 27, Buccaneers 22

New York Jets (2-2) at New England (3-1)

If I were the Patriots I’d much rather play the Jets in New York now instead of late in the season when they get really hot.  Either way New England should be able to take this one.  I find it interesting that almost every week Rex Ryan comes out with something funny to talk to the media about like everything is OK, but I would guess that the second he jumps back out onto the practice field he’s very unhappy his team isn’t over .500 yet.  And it can’t help that they are playing the Patriots, who know them better than any team in football.  In other words, don’t let Rex’s media-savvy attitude fool you, he’s scared to death of this game. 

Bonus comment:  Sometimes on the televised sports shows, they’ll do one of those “Show Me” segments where they point out what a certain player or team has to prove.  I’d like to do the same thing here to Mark Sanchez and the Jets’ offense:  Show me something in the game that would lead me to believe that everyone on that field is taking home the same playbook every night, because right now I don’t see it.  The Jets-Ravens game last week was full of offensive mistakes:  Fumbled snaps, receivers running the wrong routes, even LaDanian Tomlinson not being able to pick up blocks.  The whole thing was very puzzling. 

Patriots 32, Jets 17
 
San Diego (3-1) at Denver (1-3)
 
Son of a bitch…Doesn’t it seem like every time you go to check out San Diego and what they’re up to, they’re playing some cupcake team?  Sure the have to play the Jets, Bills, and Pats this year…but the rest of the schedule is relatively winnable…save the Green Bay game on November 6th.  (The Chargers match up quite well against the Lions, I’ll go ahead and call that one right now)  This is exactgly the type of game I expect the Chargers to win by at least 20 points.  When they don’t win these games (division or otherwise) by a wide margin, once again I am reminded why they never make it to the Super Bowl. 

Chargers 37, Broncos 13 

Green Bay (4-0) at Atlanta (2-2)
 
In a rematch of last year’s NFC divisional playoff game, the Packers will face off against a team that has drastically underachieved this year even though they sit at .500.  Green Bay is getting all sorts of praise for coming out of the box at 135% and for the most part, it’s well-deserved.  Here’s what worries me:  Their defense is giving up a lot of points, which is scary when they are facing any quarterback that could explode at any given moment.  There are two guys who immediately come to mind as falling into that category: One would be Michael Vick, and the other would be Matt Ryan.  In the end I can’t trust that Packers’ defense enough to prevent the Falcons from running up a lot of points at home.  Upset of the year. 

Falcons 34, Packers 31

P.S.  If for some reason this doesn’t happen, you have every right to talk shit to me in the comments section this week or next week. 

Chicago (2-2) at Detroit (4-0)

The Lions get to host the Bears on Monday Night Football, and who knew they would still be undefeated?  I didn’t.  None of my friends did either.  I’m sure every Bears fan in the area is going to be posting Twitter updates saying things like “The Buck Stops Here, Detroit” and such, but those feeds can’t change the fact that there are only three other teams in the league who are giving up more yards in the air than Chicago is.  The sad thing is, if they continue to run Forte the way they have so far this year, he will end up getting hurt at some point.  If that were to happen, then Marion Barber would be their No. 1 guy providing he doesn’t land on his head after doing a backflip next time he scores.  

Lions 21, Bears 19

Bye weeks:  Dallas Cowboys, Cleveland Browns, St. Louis Rams, Miami Dolphins, Washington Redskins, and Baltimore Ravens
 
What those teams need to do in their bye week:  Dallas obviously needs to ignore all of the media backlash associated with Tony Romo choking away a 24 point lead in the third quarter to a team that didn’t win a single game a few years back.  And they need to actually do so instead of just telling the media they don’t care when they really do, which is generally standard operating practice for most professional athletes.  It’s too late for the Dolphins to do anything but look towards the future:  It’s impossible for them to make a push this year so I’d just let them enjoy their week off.  They’re going to get a Jets team that is either super pissed or chock full of momentum, and the game is in Jersey.  St. Louis knows who their quarterback is, they just need to figure out how to stop the run as they are 32nd in a league of 32 teams.  Same thing with Cleveland who also has to make some serious progress running the ball on offense, averaging only 85.8 yards a game.  Baltimore and Washington really don’t have a whole lot of work to do.  I’m sure they’d tell you otherwise, but the buzz surrounding both of those teams right now is massive.  The Ravens are fifth in ESPN’s weekly power rankings, and Washington now leads the NFC East after every analyst on the North American continent to finish last in a very difficult division. 

Notice how I didn’t mention Brett Favre’s comments about Aaron Rodgers.  That’s because he doesn’t play football anymore and no one should give a shit about his opinion.  
 
We are EEP 

Meehan

 

NFL WEEK FOUR: MAILING IT IN

by Ryan Meehan
 
The one thing I won’t do in these pieces is lie to you, so I’ll just come out and say it:  I am mailing this one the fuck in.  I haven’t had a lot of time to dedicate to an article about anything, let alone football.  However I did catch last week’s action and there are some really good matchups this week, so don’t let my lack of preparation somehow convince you that this weekend shouldn’t be awesome.  So here’s my abbreviated version of Week four’s picks: 
Detroit (3-0) at Dallas (2-1)

 

Last week I mistakenly declared that the Bills’ undefeated season would stop short as a result of the Patriots.  I won’t be wrong about the Lions this week. Dallasis going to be on a roll for a while, so get used to it.  (I know, I hate it too…) 

 

Cowboys 26, Lions 23
Tennessee (2-1) at Cleveland (2-1)

 

To be brutally honest, I didn’t realize that both of these teams were 2-1.  What’s even scarier is that one of these teams will be 3-1 after the end of this game.  The Browns are in first place?  Weird… I like them to break Matt Hasselbeck’s heart here though. 

 

Browns 27, Titans 12
 
Buffalo (3-0) at Cincinnati (1-2)

 

Regardless of whether or not Buffalois the real deal, they should fucking destroy the Bengals.  If I hear Chris Berman say “No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills” one more time, I’m going to stab myself in both of my nostrils with an open pair of scissors.  It doesn’t matter there’s no way that Cincinnatiwins here. 
 

Bills 37, Bengals 16 
Minnesota (0-3) at Kansas City (0-3)

 

In this week’s “I’d rather get fucked in the asshole with a hot curling iron than watch this bullshit” matchup, someone’s dreams are going to be crushed here because unfortunately one of these teams is going to have to win.  That someone is me. 

 

Vikings 7, Chiefs 6 or Vikings 52, Chiefs 51
 
San Francisco (2-1) at Philadelphia (1-2)
 

I’ll get to records not mattering later.  Even if you’re biggest Michael Vick fan in the entire world, you have to admit this week to week drama with his status is tiresome.  Because of the style of football that he plays, he’s going to end up being hurt a lot.  It doesn’t matter if it’s an ankle, shoulder, knee, whatever…he’s going to have some type of minor injury almost every week.  It would just be nice to get through a Sunday night episode of Sportscenter without every reporter, anchor, and beatwriter inAmericafreaking the fuck out about Vick’s supposed injury, only to find out Wednesday that he’s fine and is going to play.  He’s becoming the NFL’s new week-to-week Brett Favre…the constant “will he or won’t he” dialogue is wearing me out, and the fact that the sports media makes it impossible to ignore certainly doesn’t help.  San Francisco is full of shit. 

 

Eagles 21, 49ers 10
Washington (2-1) at St. Louis (1-2)

 

Home field advantage doesn’t do anything for the Rams anymore, and the Redskins lost a close one last week so I’m taking Washingtonbut just barely. 

 

Redskins 22, Rams 18
 
Carolina (1-2) at Chicago (1-2)

 

What you hope for and what you actually think will happen are two very different things.  I hope that Cam Newton will have a huge day and work the Bears over in every facet of the game.  But the reality is, they just don’t have the defensive strength to contain Matt Forte, so I’ll take Chicagoat home against a team that isn’t the Packers. 
 

Bears 28, Panthers 25
New Orleans (2-1) at Jacksonville (1-2)

 

The Saints look very hot at the moment. Jacksonvilledoesn’t.  On the bright side, they will get to play the Colts twice this year.  It’s quite possible that a lot of analysts looked at the Saints as incapable of being a Super Bowl contender after the playoff loss to the Seahawks last year, but that game should have never been inSeattleand they wouldn’t have lost it if it wasn’t.  The Saints can be great, they just need to score 32 to 44 points every game to win because their defense is so piss-poor. 

 

Saints 28, Jaguars 20
 
Pittsburgh (2-1) at Houston (2-1)
 

I’m looking for this to be the game of the week.  Which is interesting because eight days ago I thought Houston/Pittsburgh was going to be the game of the week, and it was.  I personally hold the opinion that the Texans are no bullshit.  And hating the Steelers is in my blood, even though I’m not quite sure why. 

 

Texans 31, Steelers 24
Atlanta (1-2) at Seattle (1-2)
 

This will be the week where the Falcons trick everyone into thinking they’re back on track.  They’re not.  Even thoughSeattlewon at home last week, the Falcons will win this game because people are starting to get really impatient with them.  The last thingAtlantawants to happen to them is to end up being this year’s 2010-2011 Cowboys.  Which is funny, because the only thing right now that would give them an excuse for their poor performance is if Matt Ryan got hurt.  Isn’t life disturbing? 

 

Falcons 23, Seahawks 21
New York Giants (2-1) at Arizona (1-2)
 

The Cardinals lost to the Seahawks last week, shocking me even though the twelfth man was in full effect.  The Giants are a total fraud and I love it. 

 

Giants 29, Cardinals 24
Denver (1-2) at Green Bay (3-0)

 

This one has all of the ingredients for a murder.  Fantasy nerds who have Aaron Rodgers will be loving the box score after this one.  If I’m the Broncos, I just accept that our team is going to lose and start Tim Tebow.  That way it’ll be over with, and he’ll get to see what life in the NFL is really like against a high-caliber defense.  But then again, that would mean Tebow would be all over the highlight real every time he handed the ball off for a two yard running play, so maybe I retract my previous statement. 
 

Packers 41, Broncos 14
Miami (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

 

Did I mention I have a huge mancrush on Darren Sproles?  I do.  I really think Sporano’s days are numbered in Miami.  And why won’t he ever take off his goddamned sunglasses?  That’ll be a long flight home.  Philip Rivers will eventually be judged on whether or not he can get to a Super Bowl and make it at least competitive.  (We’ll worry about him winning one IF he ever gets there)  In other words, when you look back on his body of work at the end of his career you probably won’t remember week four of 2011 against the Dolphins. 

 

Chargers 34, Dolphins 11

 

New England (2-1) at Oakland (2-1)

 

This is also going to be awesome.  I think for once the AFC West might actually go down to the wire this year devoid of whichever teams fighting for it floating around the .500 mark.  The Patriots don’t want to lose two in a row but Oakland’s a tough place to play at home, and you have to figure the only game the Raiders have lost this year was at the last second.  Sorry Chad…

 

Raiders 30, Patriots 28
 
New York Jets (2-1) at Baltimore (2-1)
 

I’m surprised we haven’t heard more shit talking from this one, seeing as how both of these teams are perennial league leaders in that category.  Rex Ryan will head home to face his old team where he will be greeted with a whole boatload of the defensive looks that he made popular in that same stadium.  But in the end, I can’t seem to erase the memory of the Titans running up an inexcusable 26 points on the Ravens’ defense a couple weeks back.  SorryChad…again…

 

Jets 17, Ravens 16

 
Indianapolis (0-3) at Tampa Bay (2-1)
 

Should be easy.  Like I said,Tampais overrated as hell be right now.  My cat could run on the Buccaneers.  But my cat could also eat the Colts’ defensive starters.  Monday Night Misery, don’t have a whole lot to say about this one. Indianapolisalmost gets shutout, but not quite. 

 

Bucs 24, Colts 3

 

Did You Notice?

 

How many average, sub-average, or just plain shitty 2-1 teams there are?  This is why even though it is important to get off to a good start, you can’t totally immerse yourself in the standings after three games.  We’re all guilty of it (look at how many times I just mentioned them) but in all reality it doesn’t mean much of anything.  I guarantee you 60-70% of the teams that are 2-1 right now won’t make it to the postseason. 

 

What to watch for this week/Odd Prediction: 

 

People throwing weird shit on the field at the Oakland/NE game.  You’ll know which ones are Raiders fans because they either dress like they’re in Gwar or they actually ARE in Gwar.  And since there’s just a general dislike for the Patriots around the league, (be it the fallout from spygate or just the fact that they’ve won three Super Bowls with Brady at quarterback) I can see things getting out of hand in the stands real quick like in Oakland.  I don’t wish for it to happen, but it really surprises me there isn’t more violence in American professional sports.  When you compare our sporting events to everything that gets set on fire during a soccer riot, it’s easy to forget events like the one that happened at Dodger Stadium earlier this year. 

 

Enjoy the weekend, and I promise to bring my A game back…at some point.  

 
WE ARE EEP

 
Meehan

 

TEN THINGS WE HATE ABOUT SPORTS

by Ryan Meehan and Jonathan Werner

There’s many things wrong in the world, which is why some of the things that should be right can offer temporary solace from those that aren’t. This is exactly why we here at First Order Historians are teaming up with J-Dub from Dubsism to offer a treatise on what needs to be fixed in the world of sports and the way it is being broadcast.

Make no mistake, we are in no way pretending we wouldn’t fuck up a lot of stuff too, but at least we’d be able to eliminate some of the really egregious shit which is happening now.

 
1. Spelling Bees

I can’t decide which is more disturbing, those little kid pageants where we sexualize nine-year olds or the thought process behind this. First of all, did you notice the winners are never American kids anymore? I don’t really need ESPN to remind me that our public schools have become little more than idiot factories because American parents have let them do so. The foreign parents still do things like (gasp) spend quality time with their kids so that they don’t grow up to be some vapor-brained sideline reporter (see #2).

Worse yet, take a close look at the concept…”OK, little (insert unpronounceable foreign kid name here), you are our best and brightest, so let’s put you in a contest where we can magnify the insignificance of not being able to spell a word nobody ever heard of into a pressure-packed nationally televised failure festival guaranteed to emotionally scar you for life.” Every kid (with the sole exception of the winner) in this intellectual “Bataan Death March” gets to have the greatest failure in his life up until that point happen on live television.

Don’t be surprised when the local police finds one of these with a freezer full of girl scout parts later on in life, because it will be our doing for making him spell “dismemberment” on national TV before he turned eight. 
  
2.  In game interviews with players and/or coaches
 
This shit has to stop.  Stop and think for a minute what an utterly fucking ridiculous concept this is. Imagine if we did this in other areas; take war for example.

ANNOYING SIDELINE REPORTER: “Excuse me General, but do you have any thoughts on why this surprise invasion isn’t going according to your plan?”

GENERAL: “Maybe because someone keeps telling the goddamned enemy our every move…until now (pulls pistol and shoots reporter in the face.)”

Since when does anybody think it is a good idea for sideline reporters to become purveyors of espionage? Does anybody think any coach or manager with any fucking brains is going say anything at all useful to the opposing team? That’s why I keep waiting for one of these stupid exchanges to go something like this:

ANNOYING SIDELINE REPORTER: “What are you guys going to do differently in the second quarter to prevent their smothering defense?” 

COACH: “Well, what we are going to do is make some serious adjustments, but if you think I’m going to tell you what those are so you can waltz your soon-to-be-sagging ass over to the other bench and tell those cocksuckers, you’re out of your fucking mind. (pulls pistol and shoots reporter in the face.)”

Well, maybe not the pistol thing, but you get the idea.

  
3.  Televised Poker

This has to be the only “sport” in the world where the announcers are way more excited about the competition than the competitors are.  They scream and yell constantly, which is crazy because they aren’t the ones who have hundreds of thousands of dollars at stake.  and as for the players themselves, they don’t even seem to care.  And if they don’t even care, then what’s with all of the sixty thousand dollar cameras recording everything like it’s the Super Bowl?  Another thing that pisses me off is they call it the “World Series” of poker which is a complete ripoff.  You’d think Major League Baseball would have had that trademarked, but if they didn’t I wouldn’t be shocked.  (Insert joke about Bud Selig dying here)
 
That being said, any competition where you can show up wasted in sunglasses is likely fixed.  It might not be, but the odds that it could be are very high.  And for everyone who is gambling on this, you are wagering on how “semi-pros” are gambling, which is a recipe for a mess.  Gambling on other people gambling is like letting somebody take advantage of you sexually while you’re in therapy for being molested in the first place. 

Worse yet, thanks to televised poker, every shithead in America with two cards in front of him thinks poker couldn’t exist without his vast knowledge of it. First of all, Texas Hold ’em is the “skim milk” version of poker. Pretending to be an “expert” at this game is like pretending to be a gastroenterologist because you guessed what color your morning turd would be. Not to mention, thinking you can beat guys who play poker all the time because A) you can beat your buddies from work and B) you watch TV is just taking the express train to Empty Wallet City. Just you because you punched a drunk in a bar once doesn’t mean you could take on an MMA fighter and not get your balls handed to you. Not to mention, betting gets a lot tougher when the guy on TV isn’t telling you which cards everybody is holding.
 
4.  Outside The Lines
 

Everyday for a half hour in the afternoon, my ESPN turns into absolute dogshit.  (I mean, moreso than it already is…) For those of you who aren’t aware, Outside the Lines is a show where they do all of these in depth profiles on athletes and former athletes, and issues that are hot topics but not necessarily a part of the daily news feed.  If you want to check it out, it’s on Monday through Friday at 2PM Central.  Monday they’ll be discussing the issue of concussions in the NFL.  Then Tuedsday, they’ll have an ex-NFL player who suffered from a concussion talk about how he had no idea football was such a violent sport when he was drafted and handed millions of dollars to put on a helmet and run headfirst into other people wearing helmets.  Wednesday’s show will just be a video mix of the clips from Monday and Tuesday’s show.  Thursday brings yet another tearful interview with Garret Webster about the tragic death of his father, and then on Friday Bob Ley will just show up in a diaper high as shit on painkillers and piss himself until they cut to commercial.
 
Of course, this is a bit of an exaggeration.  And for the record I’m not unsympathetic towards players who have suffered from concussions, I’m just using this as an example to show how the producers of this show just recycle the same seven topics over and over again.  How many times can they discuss the rampant corruption in college athletics that we all know goes on anyway?  How about another show dedicated to Title Nine?  Or perhaps the subject of hazing that takes place on high school football teams?  We can never talk about teabagging enough can we?
5.  Danica Patrick
 
Hating Danica Patrick is easy. It has nothing to do with the fact that she’s finished a lot of races in the top ten in the Indy car series.  It has nothing to do with the fact that the talk about her switching to NASCAR full time from IndyCar has taken up way too much of the sports broadcasting landscape. It doesn’t even have anything to do with the fact that as a “hot babe,” she is monstrously over-rated. Sure, she’s good looking, but if you went into one of the good bars near a big college campus on a Saturday night, you will find at least 20 chicks you’d rather fuck than her. Danica is only “hot” because any chick is going to look better when you surround her with nothing but fat, sweaty, 50-year old guys.

The real reason to hate Danica Partick can be summed in one web address: Godaddy.com. The miserable ass-loafs that run that company subjected all of us to one of the worst advertising campaigns in American history. Somehow, they thought that giving teenage boys across the nation a crippling case of blueballs was a perfect approach for marketing a company that sells domain name hosting and web programming.

It’s an approach I like to call “Cinemax goes to Pre-school.” It’s a classic bait-and-switch deal that works like this: They hook you with a television commercial featuring Danica or any number of other perfectly fuckable bimbos which brings “suggestive” to the “trouser button popping” level, then they tell you to go to their website to view “unrated content” (wink, nudge). Just about the time you are looking for a tube sock in which to fire some knuckle children, you realize you would find better wacking material on Barney the Dinosaur’s website.  Don’t pump up the tires if you ain’t gonna drive the car, Danica. 
 

(Editor’s Note:  During the completion of this article, Barney the Dinosaur was killed in a less-than-tragic bus accident.  He will not be missed…) 
6.  The NFL Lockout
 
Since the NFL is my favorite sport, it’s hard for me to not put this one on the list.  A lot of people say that sports is just a game, and that’s true, but trust me:  When you get up the first Sunday in September and you realize that there’s no Sunday NFL Countdown, no pregame shows, and FOX is showing the television edit of “Scarface” for the eight thousandth time, you’ll want to gut your eardrums with a tomato corer WAY before you hear Sosa say “YOU (freaked) ME!!!  YOU (freaking) LITTLE MONKEY!!!”  I’m not sure how many people realize how serious this really is just yet. 
 
That being said, the NFL lockout hinges on the millionairres versus billionares argument, which is silly because Coors has signed a contract for the next 5 years making them the official beer sponsor of the NFL.   So, basically, it’s up to Pete Coors and when all is said and done both sides are fighting about how much money they will make, they have to be able to get both sides of the argument on the table and admit they can’t figure it out.  I’m sure both sides will argue that there’s too much money to be lost if they cancel the season, but as long as they both argue that said money is theirs we’re not going anywhere.   Fucking bullshit. 
 
7.  Less Reporting on the Economics of Sports

The current primary example is this whole “Mets/Dodgers” saga. Who the fuck cares…honestly, does anybody care about management fighting with each other about shit that everyday sports fans don’t understand?  All I know about the Mets is that Bernie Maddoff’s name has been mentioned a lot lately in that circle, and that can’t be good.  Fine with me, the Mets are never going to be the most popular baseball team in NYC, so I say “good riddance”  The Mets will always be the second biggest baseball draw in that market. Fuck them.  Don’t care.  Let CNBC cover the financials.
 
At least with the Dodgers I can pray for an earthquake.  I heard a radio host describe it best:  It’s almost as if there’s this family of confused children that are the Los Angeles Dodgers and their parents got divorced, so uncle Bud has shown up to try and fix everything and it hasn’t worked.  And of course he couldn’t fix shit, because he’s Bud and is scared to make a major move.  Fuck the Dodgers too. 
 
8. Skip Bayless

If you’ve ever worked in a non-union business which reduced its workforce, then you know who are the first people to get laid-off or pushed into early retirement. The people who get clipped aren’t just the ones who don’t add any value, they are the also the loudmouth, pain-in-the-ass types who exist only piss off everybody around them. If Skip Bayless worked in a factory, his ass would have been shown the door long ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the power of saying controversial things for purposes of drawing attention; that’s the model upon which the entire media revolves. But there’s a big difference between controversial and simply being a contrarian ass-burger. Skip, we all know you hate LeBron James, and we all know this week is like Mardi Gras week for LeBron James’ haters, but your petulant “I told you so” festival is going to cause me to give you to a 5-gallon Napalm enema, then fire a flare gun down your throat.

Bonus helpful hint to everybody who is over sixty years of age:  We can tell when you’ve had plastic surgery done.  It’s really, really obvious.  If Skip Bayless were in the same room with Kathie Lee Gifford and you cracked both of their skulls together (And if you were in that situation, you’d better…) there would be enough embalming fluid on the floor to run a funeral home for half of a decade.  You guys aren’t fooling anyone.
9. More People Who Actually Know About Sports

This should be the biggest “no-brainer” on the list. If you are paid to talk about a particular sport, then perhaps you should know something about it.  I don’t mean that every baseball announcer should be able to name the starting line-up of the 1987 Minnesota Twins from memory, but they should be able to explain a simple concept like why you don’t fucking swing at a 3-0 pitch.

While we are at it, there is no exemption for ex-jocks in this department. Just because one played a game doesn’t exempt them from becoming a complete dead-skull once somebody puts a microphone in front of them.  (If you’ve ever seen any footage of Jerry Rice or Emmitt Smith’s TV work, I’m sure you know what we’re talking about.)

Oh, and one more thing…no more “Ken and Barbie” types either. I can get that on absolutely every other network. Sports channels should only be populated with people who can talk intelligently about sports. If I want a smoking hot blonde who is so obnoxious I want to shove my dick in her mouth solely because it will shut her stupid ass up, that’s why I have Fox News.

 
10. Sports Programming in General

This is for those networks who forgot they actually have the word “sports” in their titles. Half the time, you would be hard-pressed to guess that’s what the “S” stood for in “ESPN.” The point referenced in #4 on this list only scratches the surface of this problem., See while some neck-tied shitwad is wasting my time blathering about a problem we are never going to fix, this “sports” network could be showing me, oh maybe a FUCKING SPORTING EVENT! They are never called the “Uselessly Blabbing About Sports Networks,” they are called SPORTS NETWORKS!!!

Here’s some specific suggestions for starters:

• No more nine-hour marathons of the same taped episode of (insert sports news show here). There are entire networks dedicated to that, and they do it live.
• No more radio shows on television. Whoever thought of that idea should be tried as a war criminal. The sole exception is the Dan Patrick Show, and even that should just be turned into a television show.  (Editor’s note:  Anybody inChicagoor the Quad-Cities, this program is available on Comcast SportsNet Monday through Friday) 
• More actual sporting events – you can tape-delay the less popular ones for those dead time slots. People who really want to see them can set their DVRs. But at least they could see them, unlike now. But just show sports, period.
• Stop pretending sports are popular just because the network has an agreement to cover them…I’m looking at you, ESPN and WNBA…

• And last but not least, no more of the strongman competitions.  That shit is so ridiculous simply describing it in print seems fake, but here’s an example of how stupid this is:  Several years back, I was flipping channels and I ran across this guy screaming at the top of his lungs.  It wasn’t a shot of his whole body, just his face.  I said to myself “He has to be in the middle of a deadlift or something like that.”  Then they panned out to the whole shot and he was holding these huge axes up so that they were touching these metal bars on each side of him that were level with his head, and I almost died laughing.  What fucking practical purpose would this ever serve?  First off, the likely reason why we haven’t seen this lately is because there’s no way it could be safe, and I’d hate to be the one guy standing next to him that gets an ax dropped on his foot.  Second, as mentioned earlier, we don’t need another competition where we are reminded of how inferior Americans are.  We get it:  The Scandanavians can lift weights better than we can.  Additionally, if you are in a situation where you would be holding double edged axes, you probably won’t need to be worried about how long you can hold them above your man-tits, you’ll be throwing them at whoever invented the time machine that sent you back to the age where you would fight with such prehistoric weapons.  Neither the surviving members of Mayhem nor the programmers of the original Castlevania would find this even somewhat amusing.  And plus, this isn’t a major organized sport, and we already have major organized sport where a bunch of steroid goons compete for attention, it’s called baseball. 

Remember, not only are the bullet points just “for starters,” the same can be said for the entirety of this list. I get that there are a lot of improvements to be made, but Confucius once said “even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” If I don’t see a step toward a solution, my first step might be putting one of my size 12s so far up your collective sports network ass you will be flossing with my shoelaces.

Once again thanks for visiting East End Philadelphia and Dubsism to enjoy more of the internet’s finest in user generated content. 
 
Meehan & J-Dub

NFL WEEK SEVENTEEN WRAPUP

Two out of three ain't bad: and it's much better than 7 out of 16.

by Ryan Meehan
 
The regular season is over now, and of course the main talking point is that a couple of NFC teams are getting screwed out of a playoff spot.  Well, sort of. 

1)  Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-6)

Really bummed about this.  Yes, Tampa’s win over New Orleans on Sunday was their only victory all season over a team with a winning record.  And they did blow a game against Detroit that ended up costing them a playoff spot.  But I was very impressed by the way that Raheem Morris coached that football team, and I think that next year if they can draft (or trade for) a couple of solid receivers Josh Freeman could end up being an elite quarterback in the NFL. 

2)  New York Giants (10-6)

As a fan, I should be very disappointed about this.  Conversely, I’m totally cool with it.  New York doesn’t deserve to be in the postseason, even with a 10-6 record.  They ended their season against the Rex Grossman-led Redskins winning by three in a game they should have won by 28.  They haven’t listened to a damn thing their “coach” has said for years, and it’s crazy to think that the G men were 9-4 just a few weeks back.  Ownership maintains that coach Tom Coughlin will be back next year, but I hope that’s just a joke.  It has to be. 

Now, the reason that these two teams didn’t make the playoffs is particularly bothersome to me is because the Seattle Seahawks (7-9) won the Sunday night game against the St. Louis Rams (7-9), making them the first team in NFL history to enter the postseason with a losing record.  I actually wrote an article about this last year…
 

NO SUB-.500 TEAM SHOULD MAKE THE POSTSEASON IN ANY SPORT

 
The best tweet that I read Sunday night was:  “Put this in perspective: Seattle went 7-9 playing StL, SF, Arz all twice, plus Car and the AFC West” 
 
Ouch.  So in reality, they’re even worse than an actual 7-9 team.  If the Seahawks were in the NFC South or the NFC East, they’d be lucky as hell to win five games a year.  They’re lucky as hell to win five games a year NOW. 
 
But it gets worse:  Because of the current playoff structure, any team that wins their division hosts any other team that doesn’t, so New Orleans has to pack all of their shit and travel to Washington State even though they have a much better record, play in a much more difficult division, and are defending Super Bowl Champions.  And it brings a very…uh…unique matchup at quarterback between Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees and Charlie Fucking Whitehurst.  And I can’t stand all of these articles that are coming out today with phrases like “Deal with it America”, or “laugh all you want, Seattle is in the playoffs.”  Laugh all I want?  There’s nothing funny about this, it’s a disaster.  (For the record, some disasters ARE funny.  Example:  Tsunami)  They better hope that crowd shows up ready to go the way they did Sunday night, otherwise they could end up getting slaughtered. 
 
And it gets even worse than that:  During Pete Carroll’s press conference he actually had the balls to say:  “I understand that this has never happened before, and I think that’s pretty cool”, which in and of itself is a pretty stupid take, but then he followed up by mentioning that it was A-OK that there were plenty of people unsatisfied with the NFL’s current playoff structure because there are also people unsatisfied with the BCS system.  That’s extremely weak.  Whenever you try to defend something that is broke by saying that other things are broke as well, it comes across as lackadaisical and whiny.  If you take your car to an auto mechanic, and you leave it there for a few days, and you come back, and it still isn’t working, and you ask him why the hell not, you wouldn’t expect the guy to say something like “Yeah, well my furnace isn’t working at the house either. It’s always something.”  And if you did find yourself in that situation, it wouldn’t matter that your car would still be inoperable because you’d be spending the rest of your life in prison for beating your former auto mechanic to death with a brick. 
 
And, that’s about enough on that topic.

The New York Giants didn’t make the playoffs due to Green Bay (10-6) beating the Bears at Lambeau.  Chicago (11-5) couldn’t get any offense going all game, and the Packers didn’t play very well offensively either.  But that being said, I’m glad Green Bay got in.  Rodgers has had two concussions this year and he’s healthy all year one or two of those losses disappear and they’re just as good as Philly or the Saints.  I did really like that the Bears played all of their starters the whole game, and didn’t just curl up into a ball when they found out the Falcons had that game in the bag. 

As for the Saints (11-5), they dropped a home game to Tampa (10-6).  It didn’t affect their seed, but I guess I expected more from a team that showed absolutely no signs of pulling their starters.  Especially from a team that just won the Super Bowl.  I’m starting to see the same polarization with New Orleans that I see in a team like the Eagles.  They can absolutely destroy you one week, then come out next week and lay down and let you walk all over them. 
 
Once again, I see nothing that leads me to believe that the Patriots (14-2) won’t win it all.  They hammered Miami (7-9), and even though they had an awkward loss to Cleveland earlier this year, they look every bit as good as the 2007 team that almost won every game.  You know they are going to put up 35 points every time that they step onto the field, and if you don’t have your shit together that can turn into 48 points REALLY quick. 
 
The other 1 seed belongs to Atlanta (13-3), who (not surprisingly) took out Carolina (2-14) to secure home field advantage.  They might not be the best team in the NFC, but they do have the best record and that’s the most important thing they need to have this week.  Trivia question:  Since the Super Bowl is in Arlington this year, if you’re a Falcons fan living in Atlanta, and you get Super Bowl tickets, and you have to drive through half of Georgia, all of Alabama, all of Mississippi, North Louisiana and/or Arkansas, and East Texas all to end up in the Forth Worth Metro area, are y’all gonna have the same book learnins they taught ya at your fancy-schmancy city boy high school?  (Say boy…you’ve got a purdy lil’ mouth on ya…)

San Diego (9-7) beat the Broncos (4-12), but the more intriguing news coming out of Denver’s camp is the fact that reports have surface that John Elway will become a major part of their front office at some point this week.  This is a very smart move.  I mean, fuck the Broncos, but it’s still a smart move. 
 
Pittsburgh (12-4) is looking more and more like the scary Super Bowl contender that they were two years back when they won it all.  They beat up on some easy teams, but you take what your schedule gives you and in their case, it’s been very good to them so far.  They win the AFC North based on the fact that they owned the tiebreaker over Baltimore.  The Steelers won the division by clobbering Cleveland 41-9.  The Browns (5-11) ownership team is meeting with Eric Mangini Monday to discuss his future, which looks like it will consist of finding a living arrangement in another city. 

The Colts (10-6) made the playoffs again this year, but just barely and I see no reason to fear them in the postseason.  They will be playing the New York Jets (10-6) who beat the tar out of Buffalo.  For those of you who’ve never been to Buffalo, just never flush your toilet again, live in your bathroom for a few weeks, and that’s close to what it smells like.  The most important nugget of information that I took from the Colts-Titans game was the final score, in the sense that I am noticing Peyton Manning’s abilities are in a slight decline.  Indy won the game 23-20 on a last minute drive by Manning.  And that right there is the difference:  The old Peyton would have taken that team all of the way down the field and got a TD, the new Peyton just simply can’t go the distance.  The old Peyton would have won that game 27-20 without question. 
 
Speaking of teams that don’t stand a chance making it to championship weekend, the Kansas City Chiefs (10-6) lost to Oakland (8-8).  They were already in anyway so it wasn’t a crucial loss, but I wasn’t convinced they were playing all that great when they were still chasing the division crown.  They will get to host Baltimore on Sunday afternoon.  The Ravens (12-4) won a sloppy game against the Bengals (4-12), who should probably be euthanized. 
 
The Lions (6-10) pulled out a win against the Vikings (6-10), so Joe Webb was officially famous for five days.  I wanted to see the Lions finish with a win in this game for a couple of reasons:  1) I like the Lions and I can’t wait to see them as a playoff contender, and 2) every victory for them gives them confidence for next year without losing out on the one pick they’ve been trying to make the past two decades, as the draft class is just atrocious this time around.  And it’s not like they won’t end up using all seven of those picks on tall, lanky, and unproductive wide receivers anyway. 
 
Arizona (5-11) got their asses seriously kicked by the 49ers (6-10), which right now is sort of like Ghana beating the Ivory Coast in AIDS deaths.  There is talk that Jim Harbaugh may interview for the San Francisco position, glaring proof that the University of Michigan job is pure shit and no one wants it, even an alum. 
 
I was very disappointed in the Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8), who lost 34-17 to a Houston team (6-10) that they are MUCH better than. (Although nearly not as talented as…)  It wouldn’t have mattered in the end as Indy won, but they weren’t aware of it at the time and brought nothing to the table.  They had some bad injuries late in the season and David Garrard’s never been able to just take that team and put them on his back. 
 
Here is the playoff schedule for next week:  (All times central)
 
Saturday:
 
New Orleans Saints (11-5) at Seattle Seahawks (7-9) 3:30 PM NBC
 
New York Jets (10-6) at Indianapolis Colts (10-6)  7:00 PM NBC
 
Sunday: 
 
Baltimore Ravens (12-4) at Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)  Noon – CBS
 
Green Bay Packers (10-6) at Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)  3:30 PM – FOX
 
In the next few days we’ll be posting wildcard picks here, as well as some of Chappy’s picks.  In the meantime, here are some questions for you to ponder with regards to next weekend and some possible answers to those very questions:
 
1)  Will Peyton Manning have enough left to outwork the stingy Jets defense with everyone the Colts have injured?
Potential answer:  That really depends on whether or not you think that Jacob Tammey is going to end up in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. 
 
2)  If he can, will the Colts be able to pipe in enough crowd noise to distract the Jets sideline employees from tripping everybody?
Potential answer:  Probably, but I’ll be able to deflect the attention to foot fetish jokes within seconds. 
 
3)  Seattle is really in the playoffs?  Are you fucking serious?
Potential answer:  I’m afraid so.  The Easter Bunny is gay as SHIT too…
 
4)  Which Eagles team will show up against Green Bay?
Potential answer:  For their sake, hopefully one that is much more balanced than the one that relies on Michael Vick to do everything for them. 
 
5)  Are the Chiefs for real?
Potential answer:  Would you wave your boner in front of a tiger’s face if it was covered in blood?
 
6)  Since the Vikings are out of the playoffs, do we still have to hear about Brett Favre?
Potential answer:  You must not have cable…Let’s just put it this way…He’s 41, has grey hair, and the media’s been talking about pictures of his dick for two-thirds of the season.  Of course we’ll have to hear about him. 
 
7)  Which game is most likely to end in an upset?
Potential answer:  The Saints losing in Seattle.  If the Seahawks can get the atmosphere of that stadium as intense as it was Sunday night, they have a better chance than any of the other lower seeds to pull one off.  But remember, Sam Bradford is a little bit easier to read than Drew Brees.  

 Meehan

NFL WEEK TWELVE WRAPUP

 

Matt Ryan's Falcons may have surpassed the Eagles as the NFC's scariest team

by Ryan Meehan
 
Week twelve started on Thanksgiving morning with the Patriots and the Lions getting tangled up in what was actually a close game for one half.  Detroit (2-9) was leading 17-10 at halftime.  But then New England (9-2) pulled away and showed us why they should easily be the favorites to win the big one this year.  Wes Welker is one of the most difficult people to cover in the NFL.  Combine that with the fact that you have a future Hall of Fame quarterback that can thread the needle quite well, and all of a sudden this team looks a lot better than the one that got smoked by Baltimore in the first round last year. 
 
I admit I did pick the Cowboys to upset New Orleans.  They fell behind early but after halftime the Saints (8-3) made some dumb mistakes and allowed Dallas to creep back into the game.  Reggie Bush has got to start protecting the football better.  That or either we all just need to stop being so impressed with Reggie Bush…it doesn’t matter much to me.  In the end the Saints pulled out a close one 30-27 but once again there are some holes there that you didn’t see when they started 13-0 last season.  

The New York Jets got the best of the Bengals 26-10.  Jets Wide Receiver Brad Smith had two touchdowns:  One a 53 yard rushing TD from scrimmage, the other an 89 yard kickoff return.  But let’s not start this bullshit conversation about how much of a stud this kid is, this happened against Cincinnati (2-9) who is one of the worst defensive and special teams franchises in the league.  The Jets (9-2) and the Pats are going to have a hell of a race to the finish line for that division, and they play each other next week which I can’t wait to see.  

You know what’s really funny?  Yahoo has this “Top Trending Topics” feature that pops up right next to my email, and the other day the message above my inbox said “What’s new in your inbox” and right across the screen it said “Natalee Holloway”.  I don’t give a shit if you’re offended by that because it’s fucking hilarious.

Sunday started with the Houston Texans (5-6) finally showing up and shutting out the Tennessee Titans.  Unfortunately, the real story is the fight that occurred between Texans wideout Andre Johnson and Titans corner Cortland Finnegan.  Johnson landed a pretty solid punch, and I can’t envision a scenario where he doesn’t get suspended for that.  Tennessee (5-6) looked good for a brief stretch but now with all of the drama that has ensued and a quarterback that couldn’t start in the UFL, they’re a hot mess again. 

The Falcons – Packers game didn’t show us anything else that we didn’t already know.  Atlanta, Green Bay, and Philly are all going to be in the same pool once the tourney starts.  I sort of expected the Packers (7-4) to put up more than 17 points in this game, but maybe the Falcons defense is really that good.  Maybe.  The other good news for Atlanta (9-2) is that Tampa lost this weekend, dropping them two games back. 

The Panthers and the Browns supposedly played.  I am working on a piece that proves this was an elaborate hoax and that no one was actually charged money for tickets.  And I’m not going to bother looking up the records of either of those two teams. 

The Steelers (8-3) barely topped the Bills in overtime, making that four games through eleven weeks that Buffalo has lost by exactly three points.  Am I supposed to feel scared by Pittsburgh?  Because I don’t.  I have this awkward feeling about not trusting pretty much everything that I’ve seen them do so far.  They don’t blowout teams they match up well against, and when they do play a high level team (see the New England game) it just seems like they look shaky. 

If I was commissioner, none of the TV networks would ever be allowed to use Sammy Hagar as background music.  Insubordination would result in the death penalty.  This would occur the same day with no trial, and the families of the guilty would not be notified. 

The Redskins (5-6) blew pretty much any chance they had at the postseason Sunday losing to a bad Vikings team.  I absolutely can not believe that Donovan McNabb got that extension.  What a tremendous waste of money.  They’ll have the Giants next week.

Speaking of big blue, New York played poorly but got the W against the Jags.  The Giants looked a lot like Chicago looked three weeks back.  They’re winning a lot of games by small margins but the win shows up at the end.  New York is 7-4 in a crowded NFC playoff picture, and they still have to play Philly in Week 14.  As for Jacksonville (6-5) they still hold the tiebreaker against the Colts so as of right now they are still in first place.

The Chicago Bears (8-3) made me eat my column late Sunday afternoon as they whooped up on Philly who I’ve been pretty high on.  Mike Vick threw his first interception all year, and the Eagles’ passing game didn’t look as explosive as we’ve seen in previous weeks.  The Bears are a team that I still have reservations about, but you have to think it’s time to take them seriously after a win like that.  The running game looks strong, and Johnnie Knox had a hell of a game.  Earl Bennett is really looking good this year as well.  And I was incredibly wrong about the Julius Peppers signing, he’s been worth every dollar of that deal so far. 

As for Philadelphia (7-4), Koz brought up an interesting angle to me Sunday night:  When the Eagles have a banged up secondary, they aren’t that good.  I would word it slightly different.  I think that when their secondary is banged up, they aren’t necessarily great and it’s obvious that the secondary is the anchor of their defense.  If we learned anything from Sunday, it’s that they can’t stop the run for shit.  Another fact I didn’t know about the Eagles until yesterday:  They have the worst red zone defense in the NFL. 
 
Shhh…the Ravens (8-3) won again.  It wasn’t so much that Tampa was that much worse, they were just overmatched at almost every position. 

It’s probably good that Kansas City keeps winning.  The more wins in the AFC West, the better.  Other than Dwyane Bowe I don’t really have a lot to say about the Chiefs.  Oakland lost to the Dolphins so their season’s probably over too. 

I also think it’s good for the NFL that St. Louis (5-6) is winning again.  They were such a joke the past couple of years, and that division sucks ass anyway so it’s cool to see someone step up and play well.  Plus, any team that smacks the shit out of the Broncos has my respect for the next 7 days, even if it’s Dallas.  I’m 100% behind the Rams.  I like them a lot better than say…

Seattle, who is 5-6 yet still tied for first place that division.  Seattle’s strength used to be that their crowd made that stadium a really difficult place to play in.  Now?  Not so much.  Hopefully they’ll beat Carolina next week to advance to .500, but the way things have been going who the fuck knows.  I can’t stand Pete Carroll either so I’m sure that doesn’t help. 

I still can’t believe they remade The Karate Kid.  What a fucking disgrace to the film industry. 

The Chargers (6-5) went into Indianapolis and made the Colts look silly at home in a game where Peyton Manning threw four interceptions.  Indy misses Dallas Clark like Greg Louganis misses his immune system.  And they couldn’t tackle Stephen Hawking if he fell out of his wheelchair.  And yes, Indy (6-5) did get jobbed on that pass interference no call on the interception, but if they’re such hot shit one call wouldn’t make the difference in a ball game where they ended up getting worked by 22 points at home.  Philip Rivers would never be able to pass himself off as a hooker because his Adam’s apple is so large.  I spend way too much time thinking about things like that.  But in all seriousness San Diego has really come around, winning four in a row. 

I liked the way that ESPN lines up plenty of other topics to discuss during the Monday night game between the Cardinals and 49ers.  It’s fine with me.  They spent more time in the fourth quarter plugging the Jets/Pats matchup next week than Tirico did doing the play by play.  The 49ers won making them just a game out of the lead but by now you should know how I feel about that division. 
I was trying to think of some killer Super Bowl matchups that could happen in February.  Patriots-Falcons?  Ravens-Eagles?  Bears-Patriots?  Ravens-Falcons?  Panthers-Bengals?  There are so many possibilities.  In college related news, I had a very reliable source who is vacationing in South Florida right now tell me that Jon Gruden may be leaving the booth to coach the Miami Hurricanes.  Apparently he called the AD and asked for the job.  Of course he denied this when asked, but that’s because the season isn’t over and he still has a job to do. 
 
I’ll keep you updated on whether or not I win $100 next week as well. 

Once again thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content. 
 
Meehan

IT’S TIME FOR STEVE YOUNG TO GIVE UP HIS BROADCASTING GIG

by Ryan Meehan
 
Steve Young was a Hall of Fame quarterback.  He paid his dues in the USFL where he got screwed out of his money when the league became defunct since he took an annuity option on his contract.  Then he sat on the bench and watched Joe Montana win those Super Bowls in the late 80’s and early 90’s and was patient and waited up until Montana was past his prime and eventually got traded to Kansas City in 1993.  Then he became the starter and won two Super Bowls on his own.  He is without question one of the most inspiring stories in the history of sports, and that’s coming from a die hard Giants fan. 
 
Recently he became a part of ESPN’s broadcast team.  When he first started, he actually did a great job.  I enjoyed his insight even though there are several quarterbacks who are analysts on that network.  But somewhere during the postseason Monday Night Football shows last year I started to notice that it was taking him an awfully long time to get his point across.  At first I thought that maybe he was drunk but then I remembered that he’s a Mormon, and Mormons don’t drink.  He spoke like I speak after ten shots of vodka:  It seemed like he would be almost impossible to communicate with.  So I wrote it off and was figuring maybe he had a bad night.  But then I continued to watch the broadcasts, and I noticed that it kept happening. 
 
This year, he’s been doing the postgame shows with Matt Millen (which are WAY too long especially after bad games like Monday night’s stinker in San Diego) and they’ve been having more than just your average disagreements between and ex-lineman and an ex-quarterback.  Young stumbles and stammers through various football related topics, and Millen just glares at him looking like he wants to eat the guy.  It takes Steve so long to get to his point, and that’s making the brash assumption that he even ends up having one. 
 
There are over 2300 NFL players in the league every year.  Basic mathematics would dictate that there would never be nearly enough space for all of them to talk about football once their career ends.  You have to figure 500 of those players wouldn’t have the mental capacity to do television due to concussions, another 500 of them would have no interest in broadcasting (why oh why did Shannon Sharpe not fall into this category), and at least 25 of them will die of drug overdoes within five years of retirement. 
 
Now, let’s do the other math:  If you count every analyst at ESPN (even just the internet bloggers that are ex-players) there’s only about twenty.  So you would have to figure that given those extremely generous numbers that I mentioned above, you’d have about 1275 guys vying for twenty spots.  (Make it nineteen, because I get the feeling that we’re going to have to listen to Marcelus Wiley for a long time).  What the fuck is my point?  That not everybody who’s played pro ball should be able to do commentary.  Most of the guys who are doing it now probably majored in broadcasting mainly due to the fact that they knew the were bound for the NFL so it didn’t matter what they were studying to begin with.  They were athletes in college so it wasn’t like they were doing their homework to begin with. 
 
One reason that I like writing about sports more than I like talking about it is when I put together the finished product, the reader has no idea how I got there.  They don’t see where I get up to take a shit in the middle of the article, or when I pass out watching “The First 48” and don’t go back to writing until the next day, and they definitely don’t hear me struggling to construct a thought.  In television and radio you don’t have that luxury.  Especially when you go live.  I think I enjoy podcasting a little more because I can run my mouth knowing that if I do say somethng Jason can just snip that shit out of there in post-editing. 

Obviously since I’ve never been on national TV for more than a split second, I’m not familiar with the pressure associated with that type of scale.  But I know uncomfortable when I see it, and number 8 might want to take a step back from broadcasting for a while. 
 
Meehan

ENOUGH WITH THE THURSDAY NFL GAMES ALREADY

by Ryan Meehan

Thursday night the Dolphins and Bears played what most diehard sports fans like myself would consider to be a very poor football game. Miami played very poorly, and the Bears played well enough to win but didn’t do anything that impressed me a whole lot. I thought both teams looked very sluggish overall, and I place the blame solely on the short week.

With the exception of the Thanksgiving day games, I see absolutely no reason to hold NFL games on Thursday night. It doesn’t take a math wiz to know that having 7 is better than having 4. As for the Saturday games they would get one less day to prepare, but the two days that separate those two is MUCH more than double the one you’d be short if you played Saturday, especially at night. Four days doesn’t give you anything. Here’s why: With a four-day week you have to figure that your team would still get Mondays off, because you can’t work guys ten consecutive days. Then you’d have Tuesday and Wednesday as total cram sessions where you would try to pack forty plus hours into two days, one of those days would have to be all film study and the other would be on field workouts. Through all of that, you’d also have to be making sure those guys were eating properly, and then you’d work all day Thursday and by the time the game rolled around everybody would be exhausted and you’d get the awful product that we were subject to in the Chicago/Miami game.

Now, I’ve heard some bad suggestions with regards to how to fix this while still keeping the Thursday games. I’ve listened to people who should never be allowed to write or talk about sports say that the NFL should adjust the bye weeks of the teams who have to play on the following Thursday. That wouldn’t work as the bye weeks have already been completed when most of the Thursday games start. All in all, there would be no way to work the bye weeks around the Thursday games at the moment. Now, when the league moves to its eighteen game schedule they are talking about possibly having two bye weeks. So it MAY work I just don’t have enough information about how that season will look yet.

So, what about Thanksgiving? This is a tough one as most of us are used to the tradition of football and turkey on that day. (But then again, our school are still teaching our children that the Pilgrims and Indians sat down for dinner the first Thanksgiving so maybe it’s time we cut those traditions loose as well.) My argument here would be that certain teams like the Lions and Cowboys play on that day every year anyway, and they want to so nobody should be listening to them if they even begin to start bitching about it. That being said, we could probably get rid of the Thanksgiving night NFL Network game altogether. Then, only two teams that wouldn’t want to play on Thursday would have to play on that day and you could just chalk it up to being in a rough business. And, I’m sure it wouldn’t happen to the same two teams consecutive years.

Here is my proposal to fix this issue: High School football thrives on Friday nights in September and October all over the country. But by the time the NFL’s Thursday night games start, high school football is over. So why not move the NFL game to Friday night? First off, you’d sell whole a lot more alcohol to all of the weekend warriors that are so dedicated to following pro football. Also you’d be giving the two teams that have unfortunately been selected to play in that game a whole extra day of preparation. Five days is still bullshit, but at least it’s better than four.

I think the lesson to be learned here is that the NFL is trying a little bit too hard to modernize their format, and because of it the game has suffered. As stated before, there’s no reason to drag the pro game to Canada, Mexico City, or London. And there’s no reason to cheat two franchises out of two days’ work from week ten to week seventeen. It’s fucking pointless. Not to sound like a grumpy old man but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, and then re-break it just for the sake of fixing it again.

Thanks for visiting First Order Historians and enjoying more of the internet’s finest in user generated content.

Meehan